How to travel with friends (and not want to kill them)

Mar 26, 2012 10:45:36 AM

Leif Pettersen
Lonely Planet Author

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I have two permanent, oddly positioned bald spots on my head. Though my mother claims they’re from a scalp thing I had as a kid, I have it on good authority from my oracle that they’re probably where the Martians attached the electrodes.

However, spontaneous balding frequently has nothing to do with alien abduction. I’ve encountered many wretched travelers with unexplained bald spots formed during particularly challenging trips with incompatible friends. Whether they yanked that hair out during angry sleep or they were shaved by their vindictive companions is extraneous. What’s important is this hair-loss could have been easily avoided if these people had honestly communicated their travel styles and priorities during the trip planning stages.

Image by Ed Yourdon

Even your closest friend of 20 years, who saved your dog with mouth-to-mouth and donated a kidney to your sister (or vice-versa), can sometimes drive you to a stuttering rage while on the road. The divergent day-to-day circumstances of travel can expose and magnify irritations and disparities you never knew existed. And that’s if you’re compatible. If you’re not compatible, sooner or later that corkscrew you packed may be used for removing things its designers never intended.

Countless tent-pole duels to the death might have been prevented with pre-trip contemplation and dialogues. Some of the more pertinent criteria to consider in advance include:

1. Natural selection

Spontaneity during travel is great, but not so much when selecting a travel companion. Pick a friend whose company you consistently enjoy in a variety of situations. More often than not, blasting off with someone you don’t already know well is going result in trip-curdling disharmony. That includes your drinking buddy, that smokin’ hot babe you’ve dated for two weeks, and even the achingly attractive, witty, travel writer you met in the hostel’s breakfast room.

2. Setting expectations

Discuss your general vision of the trip. Vacation? Work trip? Urban exploration? Beaches? If one person is a go-go-go, see-see-see type and the other is a chill-at-sidewalk-cafes type, friction will quickly arise. And have you ever seen control freaks travel together? Messy. Carefully consider what you’d like to accomplish on your trip and communicate this with your prospective co-pilot.

3. Budgets

The last straw for many strong relationships has occurred while standing on a busy street in pouring rain, two miles from the hostel, when one person would rather walk, saving the €1.50 bus fare, and the other just wants to be dry. Ditto for the salivating foodie whose friend can only afford self-catered bread and jam dinners. Before you start planning, establish each other’s comfort preferences and available funds for things like accommodation, food and transport.

4. Divide and conquer

It’s perfectly fine to split up when you’d each prefer to do other things. Resentment grows quickly when one person is made to feel like they are catering to the other person’s itinerary too frequently. Equally, splitting up, whether it’s for three hours or three days, will soothe mounting frustrations. It’s not a sign of trouble or failure, it’s just good policy. Additionally, you’ll have copious stories to share when you reunite.

5. Night and day

A discussion about daily routines is a good idea. An incurable night owl is going to wear down a morning person in a hurry.

6. Be considerate

After you’ve found the right companion, a little on-the-road finesse is essential. Be conscience of your companion’s mood and fatigue. Balance each other’s needs. Be neat. Don’t hog the bathroom. And for the love of Buddha, don’t bogart the wine.

Have you used any clever strategies to maintain friendship harmony while traveling?

Also check out:

If you’re looking for tips for packing, tips for staying healthy, even tips for tipping and looking tip-top on the road, take this timely tip: pick up a copy of Lonely Planet’s Best Ever Travel Tips and you’ll see that the advice above is just the tip of the iceberg.

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Comments

23 June 2011 11:48AM SMKinIL Report this comment
I usually stay a couple days longer than my friends in a city so that I can do the things they don't want to do. Also, I usually like traveling with friends who're willing to split up for some of the time, say an afternoon or morning now and then.
24 June 2011 3:04PM thurstonhowell4th Report this comment
seriously, just don't do it.
24 June 2011 5:26PM mattyboy876 Report this comment
I have organised quite a number of trips with friends, last year we went off with 9 friends. It went pretty smoothly, better than I expected actually with that many people. I think the important thing to make clear is that everyone is free to do what they want to do, so if others don't want to do what I want to do, it's no problem, they can go off and do something else. Some distance is definitely a good idea on travels.
I think it's also good if you can try and meet other people on the trip as well, if there is just two of you, it can get a little stifling after a while.
28 June 2011 12:50AM slumchums1 Report this comment
One of the best posts I've read on LP for a very long time. Written very well with great advice. Keep up the good work!
12 July 2011 3:46PM ateday Report this comment
From personal experience don't rely on a "friend" to look after your pack no matter how much they want to. Foolishly I did and it was stolen from under her nose. She never even knew until I asked her where it was. Lesson is no one has a greater interest in your welfare than you do.
12 July 2011 4:19PM postcardsfromj Report this comment
Great article. When I went with a couple of my close girlfriends to Thailand, I realised that our travel habits/ideas are completely different. The second half of the trip was spent in much sulking and somehow, it never felt the same. On the other hand, I have another close friend who, with her husband, are probably my favourite travel companions. Our sensibilities match very well, and it's always a pleasure to plan a trip with them.
Guess it's just something you learn over time.
12 July 2011 4:57PM virginiaproud Report this comment
All so true! Some of my dearest friends I wouldn't travel with for love or money for some of the exact reasons you've mentioned. The other issue for me is down time, noise tolerance and ability to be quiet. If (like me) you need periods of quiet to chill every so often its quite a shock to realise your travelling companion can't survive without the TV/radio blaring or filling any potential silence with chat.
12 July 2011 8:56PM phoggi Report this comment
Two friends travelling together can be great. Add another & it can become a nightmare. Add a couple more & you have a potential murder scenario.
12 July 2011 9:11PM ilze_b Report this comment
I love travelling alone.. but I have done it together with some friends too. And have some lessons from it.
My tips, not to spoil the trip: 1) eat regularly (hungry people are nervous) 2) drink water & use toilet regularly (both are essential :) ) 3) sleep well 4) comunicate Your thoughts, feelings, ideas etc emediately 5) organize Your trip in the way that You are not really depending each on other (on one bus every day for 10 days - is really not god idea for 7 persons).
Have a great trips & fiendships!
12 July 2011 10:32PM nadija Report this comment
Gosh!! I always thought that its just me. I am glad to find out that almost everyone go through this experience while traveling. I have several friends who I hang out with and have the best time but there is only a handful that I can go on holiday with. After several awful holidays, with some of my very good friends (they still are but they just are not my travel partners)I have settled for a handful who I would love to travel with at the drop of a hat. Now if I have to travel with a person that I have not traveled before, I make it a point to discuss our budget, our likes and dislikes as to food, what kind of things each of us would like to do once we are there and so on. Half way through that discussion I will know whether this is a person I could travel with and what to be prepared for. Otherwise, I know that being unprepared mean be ready to spoil my whole trip. I will be fuming with he or she and start hating them for the rest of my life!
12 July 2011 10:39PM 2formigues Report this comment
Good article.
My tip :
“openness agreement” I think is important agree with your friend how “open” your relationship as a travel mates will be. (if your friend is always ready to add new “friends” to the “group” and you are not… you have a problem. (the kind of guy travelling alone you met in hostels, always ready to explain to you how good is travelling alone but always asking “where are you going tomorrow”)
So important as picking carefully who is your travel mate is to agree about who will be not.
12 July 2011 11:49PM anjci Report this comment
I couldn't agree more. Which is exactly why I choose to travel alone, 100% of the time : ) (I explain it in <a href="http://www.anjci.com/2011/01/why-i-love-travelling-alone.html">more detail here</a>).
It is fine socialising with friends at home (and I am blessed with a few good friends) or visiting them abroad (which doesn't qualify as travelling together and is thus deprived of the named downsides). Finding a "perfect" travel partner is however impossible, as people are too different. And second best? Well, sorry, not good enough to risk a good travel experience.
13 July 2011 1:41AM jamminsparkles Report this comment
I'm going through this right now. I'm trying to decide if my 25 day trip to Thailand is worth it w/ my "best friend." We just spent 5 days camping in TN and I wanted to rip her head off. I'm regretting making the decision to spend this much time w/ her, alone, in a country far, far away, but I think spending "time alone" will do us much good to break up the 25 days together... I have 3 more months to make my final decision. Any other suggestions??
13 July 2011 1:51AM jacquiewhitt Report this comment
Perhaps we should have discussed our packing strategies when we decided to travel to the top of Cotopaxi Volcano and then snorkel in the Galapagos on the same trip. We ended up renting a small pickup truck because my friend's luggage would not fit in the economy car we reserved. Instead of fighting about it, we laughed about it and I videotaped the taxi driver & guide trying to cram all the luggage into a very tiny taxi in Quito. http://youtu.be/L1gh_jxSb2M
13 July 2011 1:57AM cyrusiii Report this comment
some useful tips:
1.In our culture(Persia = Iran) we have an ancient proverb: "True friends are known in travelings" so If you want to know or test your real friends try to travel with them! No matter if they spoil your trip.
2."eagles fly with eagles, pigeons fly with pigeons" is another proverb that means if you want enjoy your journey try to travel with somebody with similar habits and interests.
3.Arguing with your friends during a trip is natural,sweet and memorable. Different people have different tastes you must get along with them. The most Important benefit of your Travel is that you come back home healthy and Intact(another proverb). As a result please forget about little things!!
4.Last but not the least, for trips more than 3 persons you must determine a leader among the group. The leader have to consult with others but he is the one who decides what to do and what not to do.
5.sorry for my poor English :D
Have Fun
13 July 2011 2:23AM nomadinaformerlife Report this comment
A few years ago, I made the mistake of taking a cruise (plus add-ons) with someone I hadn't seen in literally decades. It was like Indiana Jones (me) meets The Accidental Tourist (her). Among some of the high points, she booked (without telling me first) a non-refundable hotel in London all the way out by Wembly Stadium simply because it was a Holiday Inn, took a picture of EVERY McDonald's in every port we visited, and proclaimed loudly to everyone in hearing distance that she had no intention of eating anything that did not come off of the ship because she was convinced she was going to get food poisoning otherwise. (She even went so far as to smuggle food off even though it was strictly verbotten.) Taught me a HUGE lesson, but as it was probably the only time I would ever see the Baltic, I refused to dwell on the negative & had a good time in spite of it all. (Also, a ship is a good place to find a place to escape if need be.) Still, I don't think I'll ever do that again!
13 July 2011 4:22AM scrappyjam Report this comment
My tip is not to travel with your best friend because you could do serious damage to the friendship afterwards. The best quality to look for in a travel companion is "easy-going" because things will go wrong and you want someone who will roll with the punches rather than sulk or rant. I did a trip with 3 girl friends that went well because each person was given an area of responsibility (one did the driving, the other the navigating, a third the money, the fourth checked out the guidebooks). My favorite travel companion was my ex-boyfriend because he was willing to pay for everything but was happy to have me make the decisions of what we did each day of our trip. I definitely agree that time apart is a must.
13 July 2011 5:05AM heathercaterpillar Report this comment
Create a kitty for common expenses. This means a separate wallet in which you each/all put in the same amount of money at the same time, and everytime you encounter common expenses (bus tickets, museum entrance fees, petrol if renting a car, coffee, etc.), use the kitty. When empty you again all deposit the same amount. This method works like a charm for 2 reasons: first, simplifies paying for those little common expenses and speeds up waiting in line for things. Second, avoids those feelings of "hey, I think I'm paying more for things here" and calms the mine/yours/ours issues that can easily arise.
13 July 2011 5:09AM giopassarelli Report this comment
When I travel with friends or relatives I normally try to plan an itinerary and discuss it before the trip. I ask them what they want to do and discuss what I want to do and we agree before leaving. We schedule time for the things we agreed on doing together and then we also allocate free time to split and do whatever each person wants to do on his/her own. We've been quite flexible to make changes once travelling, but it helps to have a good idea of what the trip is going to be like. I leave unbooked and adventurouos travelling for the times I'm on my own, otherwise it can turn into an awful mess...
13 July 2011 5:11AM CarriedAway Report this comment
I'm planning a snowboarding trip to Colorado for a group of about 10 friends and family. In the first email I sent to everyone, I was very clear about the fact that the house we rent will be used as a base but the entire group is not obligated to go everywhere together. My boyfriend's family is pathologically unorganized and I'm just the opposite, so I just let them all know that we will all be doing our own things--no need to spend 45 minutes every morning arguing on what do to for the day. Problem solved.
13 July 2011 5:25AM aliland Report this comment
We went away with 12 relations, to combine with a baptism. It was made very clear before hand that everyone could and should do exactly what they wanted. We actually spent most of our time together, it was fantastic. The fact that no one was obliged to do anything was the biggest reason for the holidays success.
13 July 2011 7:17AM anbanshee Report this comment
I always ask my travelling companion to list TOP TEN things that they really want to see and do. I list mine. Then we agree to do the 20 (or whatever number it is depending on the length of the trip) without complaining and with an open mind. Many times the 10 overlap, many times its things you would have never done. If there are other things on the list but not the top 10, maybe you will get to them, maybe not, but at least everyone got to do their TOP TEN.
13 July 2011 9:47AM mthompson Report this comment
After many overseas trips with close female friends what works for me is separate rooms (possible since I have moved into the middle budget traveller category), guilt free time apart for a few days or an afternoon and biting your tongue over trivial annoyances. Don't worry about their occasional crankiness (or your own) just focus on how lucky you are to have a good friend whose company you enjoy to travel with.
13 July 2011 1:29PM aaronbz Report this comment
Don't share a hotel or hostel room. If you can't budget for your own room then don't go. Keep independent budgets and means. Agree beforehand about what you want to do alone and what you want to do together. You don't even have to be on the same plane.
14 July 2011 2:54AM dvollr Report this comment
My wife and I travel with other couples from time to time. We've had both good and not-so-good experiences, it just depends on how open the lines of communication are, and how mature the parties are. One cry-baby can spoil it for everyone. If you get edgy on a weekend trip to the beach with your proposed travel companions, forget about two weeks in Tuscany. I choose sanity over economy any time.
18 July 2011 3:15PM gypsygrrl99 Report this comment
My most compatible travel companion was a co worker who wanted to do about 50 things in a day and I wanted to do about 3 of them. We agreed to meet at specific places throughout the day and always had plenty to talk about at the end of it all. Note, this is the same friend that when I developed hives in Thailand went to get me an antihistamine and informed the chemist that I was "a little bit lazy so don't make it sedating". Needless to say, I had a lot more energy for the remainder of that trip!
21 July 2011 5:57AM justwingit Report this comment
I made the mistake of traveling with someone who is used to group tours. I am used to solo independent travel. He essentially "turned his brain off" as one does on group tours as everything is planned for you. So I essentially became his personal tour guide, which got old real quick. I had told him to do his research on our destinations before the trip so we don't have to do everything together. He didn't, and whenever I asked what his plans were for the next day, he didn't have any and just wanted to follow me. Never again!
18 August 2011 6:41PM vyau Report this comment
I regret sharing hotel rooms with a friend, who loves spending hours either in bathrooms or packing/unpacking her lugguages. For 6+ nights, I could barely sleep because she kept the light on while she packed with horrible sound of plastic bags. What a terrible experience!
19 August 2011 12:10AM cep1984 Report this comment
A checklist would be a great idea...before the trip everyone has to fill it out and then you can compare...if for example 80% isnt identical...there is no way to travel together :D
24 August 2011 1:08PM joti Report this comment
The best travelling experiences i have had were with 1 or 2 of my sisters or alone. I have never travelled with, or wanted to travel with friends. next week i travel to China with my boyfriend. this will be a first for both of us. Nervous? hell yeah!
24 August 2011 1:12PM joti Report this comment
Vyau - your comment really made me laugh. what a nightmare!
29 August 2011 9:47PM videri Report this comment
I recently lost a friendship with a close friend after travelling with her for 2 weeks. My advice is similar to that of scrappyjam's -- don't travel with your close friend. You expect a lot from each other and if one falls short of that expectation, resentment will build up and affect the friendship. Also, you may be able to share matters of the heart, but sharing 24 hours a day X 2 weeks is totally a different story altogether.
After this horrible experience, my motto is I will not travel with a close friend if the holidays is more than 3 days.