Airline fees: what’s next?
Andy MurdockLonely Planet author
The proliferation of airline fees in recent years for formerly free services has certainly not gone unnoticed by travelers and the media. Charges for meals, luggage, entertainment systems and blankets seem reasonable and almost quaint when compared with Ryanair charging travelers to print out boarding passes and threatening to install pay lavatories.
With the latest move by American Airlines to start charging for window and aisle seats, it’s now clear that airlines will charge for pretty much anything, no matter how much it annoys passengers. This got us wondering: what could airlines possibly charge for next? Here are some predictions for what might be coming soon to an airplane near you. One tip: bring a roll of $5 bills.
Pre-flight
- Accurate departure gate info – $5
- Rat-free waiting area – $5
Seating options
- In plane – $5; ON plane – free
- Guaranteed Gerard-Depardieu-free aisle – $5
- Left half of seat cushion – free; both halves of cushion – $5
- Underseat legroom not replaced by beehive – $5
- $5 charge per unit of attractiveness of person seated next to you (reservable in advance).
- Having chatty neighbor moved to other seat – $100
In-flight charges
- Opening and closing the overhead lockers during flight – $5
- $1 to open coin-operated seat belt once the seat belt light has been turned off (only US$1 Sacagawea coins accepted).
- All passengers must pay $5 for captain to ‘make up time in the air’ after a delayed departure.
- All passengers must pay $5 or Gallagher performs watermelon routine.
- Air sick bags – $5 reserved in advance, $100 at moment of need.
Entertainment and meal service
- Live feed of people enjoying themselves in first class – $5 to turn off
- Cup of water not dumped in lap – $5
- Pour drink in hand – free; cup – $5
- ‘My Humps’ on permanent repeat on personal entertainment system – $5 to turn off
- 15 seconds to use the intercom for improv beatboxing or knock-knock joke – $15
Lavatory charges
- $1 per square of toilet paper, or buy five get one free!
- $1 or $2 for use, depending on your, ahem, requirements.
What do you think will be next for airline fees?
Also check out:
- How to redesign the airplane for the modern traveler
- How not to behave on an airplane: a passengers’ bill of rights
[Photo: Kristie Wells]
Lol…I once sat next to a chicken at a gate in Equador waiting on a flight to the Galapagos…
Umm, that was your in-flight meal and entertainment!
What is next you ask..I don’t really care. I am boycotting the airlines. I have been doing it now for over two years. If I take a vacation I travel by car now.
PS…Traveling by car is very enjoyable, but less stressful then flying and I get to visit places I have never seen.
This whole article is more reason I’ve been using MY non-”word” THIEFALISM for a few years now in describing just this very articles subject matter. That’s all it is! Bunch of damned thieves in the quise of capitalism.
As a victim of Ryanair charging me 35€ (!!) for the privilege of printing my boarding pass I entirely endorse this message.
Younger readers won’t understand this, but airline travel really was the way it is seen on TV show “Pan Am”. It was fun to fly!
Can’t go by car to much of the world! Airlines can either just raise prices or charge for extras. I usually don’t require extras so I would rather pay a lower price and not have them. It’s like staying in a hostel rather than a hotel, I want to travel more for less!
True story: On August 18, 2011 I travelled on a KLM flight operated by Delta from Reykjavik, Iceland to JFK airport, New York, to connect with my flight to Montreal.
At Reykjavik, I was “interviewed” by airline and security personel as to what I was carrying on board, where I was, etc, etc. I had a rather large backpack, filled mostly with camera gear, but with a few expensive gifts from the Blue Lagoon, that I did not want to put in my checked luggage. My bag went through two x-ray machines, then was opened and visually inspected. All OK to board the flight.
At JFK, preparing to board my flight to Montreal, the same routine once again, but this time, four containers with silica cream were seized – they were considered a “liquid” and could not be on my carry-on luggage. I had to pay USD $35 to have it boarded as a second piece of checked luggage! Truly a ripoff, as there was not problem on the first flight!
Cheers,
Frederic in Montréal
maybe a departure tax for being allowed to leave the plane??