How do you deal with goodbyes?

It's wonderful to meet unforgettable people but it makes it all the more brutal when you have to say goodbye, especially if you're the one being left behind. What tips do you have to dealing when others move on but you stay put, almost as if you're living forever?

Yesterday a friend told me that instead of going home mid-January like planned, his internship ended early so he will be going home next week. I am unsure what I feel about the sudden news; sadness for sure, but on top of that, abandonment, loneliness, and finally empathy. It couldn’t have hit me harder than if he had told me he was dying from a terminal disease; in fact, the emotions I feel are a mixture between experiencing death and a breakup.

There is so much that we had talked of doing that now will never be done and so many memories that now seem suddenly taken away. Although we had no big plans for the holidays in this country that celebrates nothing, it was comforting to know that at least we would have each other (or, that I would have him). The time we had together has vanished in half a blink of the eye. I don’t blame him; if I had the same opportunity I would do the same thing but knowing that doesn’t make it any less painful.

That night I cried uncontrollably for more than an hour, unable to sleep. I thought of all the good times I’ve had with him, all the laughter, all the jokes, and all of his pure heart. All the things we have talked about, our roadtrips, and unforgettable impromptu adventure days, and generally just shooting the breeze. Every single one of my best friends here have gone home in the last 1.5 weeks (their contracts were shorter than mine), and spontaneously calling home is out of the question. I realized then, lying helplessly in the dark, that was a sign of what was to come after he leaves: complete loneliness and no one to reach out to even if I wanted to.

“It’s not fair,” I want to scream, but there’s no sense in that statement. I know that my not wanting people leave is reasonable but selfish. Deep down we wish them all the happiness in the world and for them to go forth and continue with their lives, but not at the expense of leaving us behind. But I suppose all the tears I’ve shed in the last 1.5 weeks on behalf of my incredible friends just shows how lucky I am to have been to have met people worthy of crying over.

Unfortunately no goodbyes are easy - and some hurt more than others. It is also one of the penalties we pay for a more mobile and expat lifestyle. During my early years as an expat I ran into some old hands who commented that they no longer let everyone into their hearts and lives, unless they really were special, as the goodbyes are just too hard. They prefered to keep their emotions at a safe distance. While I could not understand intially, after a few episodes like yours I suddenly realised I was doing the same. Superficial friendships are no where near as rewarding though.

Perhaps its time to head home.

how lucky I am to have been to have met people worthy of crying over

Yes, that's a good way of looking at it. Finding and losing people is part of life. I hope you never get into the situation where you are only having superficial relationships because you're frightened of losing friends.

Goodbye!

Dave

Unfortunately no goodbyes are easy - and some hurt more than others. It is also one of the penalties we pay for a more mobile and expat lifestyle.

I would argue that it doesn't have all that much to do with the expat lifestyle and more to do with mobility.

I would also argue that if you really established that close a relationship with someone who is moving on, then you can maintain some of the relationship but it will require effort on your part. You will be the one who needs to send cards, make calls, write emails, etc to keep up the relationship and when a crisis occurs, then hopefully this person will still be there if you need to reach out.

I have some friendships dating back 40+ years that are like that. We are no longer in the same country, let alone in the same city but I know (and they do as well) that either of us can pick up the phone, and we can talk as if we had last spoken just yesterday.These are true friends whose friendship to some degree transcends time and space. But it also requires some effort. It doesn't happen without sending birthday cards or invitations to important events, or occassional newsletters, emails, etc.

Ruth

I think everbrite gives some excellent feedback here. I too have some wonderful friendships from 21 years ago when living in Africa - from 18 years ago when in Korea and on and on. These people will be friends forever, but yes, you do need to make an effort to maintain a friendship from a distance.

As happened several times before when I am in the city where a friend is or when they are passing through where I am - we get together and it is like no time at all has passed. Value it - it is a rare and wonderful thing.

A comment if I may and I hope you won't misunderstand, but the emotional fragility in your opening post here is, to me, a bit reflective of culture shock and you might want to read up a bit on it and take some steps to create more stability for yourself.

I don't believe that life abroad is for everyone and people with delicate emotional balance need to decide whether they can handle the stresses and uncertainties of living abroad for extended periods of time. Some can not.

Just my opinion.

I would also argue that if you really established that close a relationship with someone who is moving on, then you can maintain some of the relationship but it will require effort on your part. You will be the one who needs to send cards, make calls, write emails, etc to keep up the relationship and when a crisis occurs, then hopefully this person will still be there if you need to reach out.

I think sometimes yes, sometimes no to this. In my experience there are people in the world who, no matter how close you were and how much you love them they just don't have what it takes to maintain a relationship once there is a geographical separation. And I don't (anymore) think that in any way diminishes the quality of the friendship that you shared.

I write this because once upon a time I used to get upset when people who I considered myself close to didn't really make much effort to stay in touch after I'd moved on (it is pretty much always me doing the moving). I'd feel hurt about this and think maybe I'd misjudged the friendship. But, on the other side of the coin I've also been impressed over the years by people who might not have been as close to me when I lived near them but who did put in the effort to keep the friendship alive. Then I realised that different people have different skills in friendship and for some people the long distance thing doesn't work.

So treasure the friendships that you make. Put in every reasonable effort to stay friends after they leave but if it doesn't work out don't feel too bad about it, focus on those people who are able to maintain the friendship from a distance.

Now it is actually one of the things I love about moving on, seeing which friends I keep and which fade away. It fascinates me because my ability to predict is pretty lousy and I'm always fascinated by seeing which people I'm still friends with 5 years after I leave a place.

I think that goodbyes that are something that are an immensely personal thing. Me? I try to organise "goodbye" occasions if I am going places - to give myself a bit of closure - they are never anything mad, just a coffee, dinner or drinks or something. It works well for me but some people just prefer to go. But I know that the people that matter are the ones that stay with you - thanks to technology the world is much smaller now.

I remember the very first person I had to say goodbye to when I started travelling and I cried (not for hours but still) and then it just became easier with every passing person. Not because I cared less but because I knew that if we really wanted to, we would keep in touch and even see each other again down the road. And I did end up seeing her down the road!
I also met a friend in Australia 6 yrs ago and since then, we met up in the UK, South Africa and he even came to visit me in Canada for his birthday this year. My point here is that they aren't necessarily lost forever, not unless they chose to be.

I agree with purpletreefrog 100% that you can never predict who will stay and who will fade away because some people are not good at keeping in touch. Facebook and skype make it really easy though.

So these days, when I say goodbye I'm not sad, I just think if I really want to I'll see you later!

Hope that helps!

The more often you have to do it, the easier it gets. I have been living abroad for a while, changed addresses quite a bit and I can tell you that after a while it almost becomes routine.
Try not to get attached to people if you know there is a chance that people will move or you will move.