High risk of settling down unless inspired...

I am not a huge traveller like most of you. I've been to nearly every continent (Tokyo, Paris, New Zealand and Ozzy, Kenya, all over North America), but mostly for vacations, visits, holidays, etc. Never to "live and work" as most of you do. And I am so curious.

I'm 24 and I recently married a 34-year-old from a small town in northern Canada. I live in his town with him (moved from the city to be here). He loves it here. He has a good job and wants to build our house together and raise children. I love him dearly, and I don't mind it here, but I can't deny the little itch in me that says, "But what about going to language school in Paris? What about being carefree and quitting our jobs and seeing what opportunites present themselves?" I think he is in a different frame of mind, because he very practically shuts that down with, "I need to be able to provide for you, and I won't be able to do that working shifts in a coffee shop in a foreign country."

We're on the verge of buying a house, and just today I voiced my concern: "Well, I'm not totally sure I can live here in this town forever. What if I want to go somewhere else?" and he said, "Ok, if you can prove to me that it will be better than this, I will do it."

The problem is, I don't know WHERE I want to travel, or WHAT I want to get out of it. I don't have a "dream" or a concrete plan that I've been hatching my whole life. I just know that I am not ready for it all to be over yet.

How have others approached similar situations? How do you decide when it's time to stay put? And when it's time to go, how do you know WHERE to go? And what to do? And how do you make it worthwhile, and not just a prolonged episode of shopping and gawking at statues in museums?

Unless he shares you dream (and it clearly sounds like he doesn't) then I think you either have to settle for holidays, give up on the marriage or hope that he changes. "Somewhere else" is unlikely to be better than there in terms of jobs, friends etc and if he isn't keen to make the change then it doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

You are very young. No big rush to start a family. Why not delay buying a house, save up as much holidays as is practical and go travelling with him. Even if you can only go on a trip that is a few weeks long that might give him a taste for travel - or it might confirm that he's happy where he is.

To me part of the problem might simply be your ages. At 24 I would have thought that quitting my job to see what opportunities presented themselves was a good idea. At 34 I wouldn't have been so keen on it.

How do you decide when it's time to stay put? And when it's time to go, how do you know WHERE to go?

I don't think anyone elses answers will help you with this. For me when I was your age I just took it day by day. Met up with people, travelled with them, made my plans as I went. But I was by myself, that makes it easier. Now I stay put much longer but usually after a couple of years my feet begin to itch and I start to look for the next opportunity. As to WHERE that is something only you can decide. Right now I look for job opportunities in places I haven't been but when I'm choosing travel destinations I usually read a lot (travel guides from the library and on the internet) toss around several different plans and eventually something will just feel 'right'.

And how do you make it worthwhile, and not just a prolonged episode of shopping and gawking at statues in museums?

Worthwhile is so subjective. For some people shopping and statues would be a very worthwhile way to spend their time. When I was younger the 'worthwhile' came largely from other people I met along the way. Being exposed to different ideas, different cultures etc. I'm talking about other travellers, generally didn't meet locals in any meaningful way. These days I'm more likely to have some kind of concrete plan for what I'm trying to achieve. Last summer I travelled from Japan to Moscow by land/sea. That trip was pure travel, getting to see a country that has fascinated me for years. This summer the plan involves a healthy dose of volunteer stuff and a few weeks walking one of the Caminos in Europe. Completely different trips but both equally worthwhile to me personally.

Good luck with working out what to do. I think it is great that you are at least talking about it (although a bit more discussion about your goals before you got married might have been a good idea). Also remember that travel isn't everything - there are other ways to have adventures and not let life pass you by that don't involve getting on a plane.

Beware the sales gimmick "equity". Who would you sell it to?
Market value is shrinking. To hock your home, you can't go by the price you paid as colateral...

You own something/it owns you.

"Equity" is like cutting a dogs tail and ears, "to make it?? more valuable."

Is that so he can impress other dogs at his social club?
Or to make owner's status more valuable?

Are they going to sell that dog?

None of us are marriage counsellors acorn222 and to be honest I think that is what you need. Your outlook at 24 is naturally far different than his at 34. All of us are quite different at 34 than we were at 24. That period of life is a very big one. As purpletreegog says, at 34 you are not nearly as likely to just pack it all in and hit the road.

I believe that we all have up until we are around 35 to do as we please. At around 35 we have to decide where we are going with our life. If we do not, then life will decide for us. The saying I learned many years ago is, 'you can be the architect of change or the victim of change. What is certain is that change will occur.'

Well it sounds like your husband has decided to be the architect of his life and that isn't a bad thing. The problem is at 24 you just aren't there yet. That isn't a bad thing either as you don't need to be there yet but it doesn't make what he wants wrong either.

Consider this. Suppose your husband goes along with you and you spend the next 10 years travelling, working abroad etc. The things you are curious about. Then when you are 34, you look at your life and decide it's time to take control of your life and plan a future. Your husband will then be 44. That's late to be starting to put down roots, take on a mortgage (30% of Canadians will go into retirement with debt, primarily mortgages), etc. Is that what you think you will want? Nor can you just say to him, 'let's take one year before we settle'. That won't necessarily satisfy your curiousity. All it will do is postpone things by a year.

In my non-professional opinion, your problem is with the age difference and the different outlooks you have as a result. It's easy to say you should have talked about all of this before you married but hindsight is always 20/20. If the idea of settling down is really making you unhappy I would encourage you to seek the professional help of a marriage counsellor. The problem is not going to go away and you are not going to find the answer by posting on a travel forum.

Ok I think this question came out the wrong way. I am not looking for a marriage counsellor, or a divorce. That's not why I'm on this website.
I'm hoping to find, from others who have dealt with similar situations, some ideas on HOW to plan a trip when you just know you need to hit the road. What is your planning process, and how do you choose where to go, etc. And what are some ideas for those who do not want to spend the next decade travelling, but would like to just go on an adventure for a few months or the better part of a year. What kind of volunteer activites, jobs, groups, etc have been meaningful to you. And how did you arrange to put your home-life on hold during that time.

The conversation you two are having is a good one, and discussed a lot on this board: how to balance responsible long-term planning while still living one's dreams. If you weren't married you'd likely still have to have the same dialogue, except you'd have to do both parts on your own. It's more fun with two.

The only thing I'd like to add is that your husband's plans may not be all that confining, possibly you don't need to voice his desire to do some long range thinking as the "High risk of settling down unless inspired". Specifically in terms of home ownership- while the housing market is still a little dicey, my guess is that for most of N. America it's not going to slide much further (though I wouldn't expect a rebound). Though gawkabout is correct, in his usual stream of consciousness style, to warn against placing too much meaning on ownership, on the other hand the financial risk of buying a home probably isn't great. So you own a home, this doesn't mean that you can't leave. Many of the expats I know own homes, which they either leave empty (if they can afford it) or rent out (our case). Though gawkabout is right that attachment to things can be a trap, there nonetheless seems to be a basic human desire to know where 'home' is, and for many a house can be a powerful and important symbol of that.

Planning for the future is not the end of adventures. In the case of our family we didn't leave the country until my wife and I were older than either of you, with home, jobs, and children all in the package. We still have the home (haven't seen it in a while, admittedly), still have the same job (thanks be to the internets), and still have the children (who are now fluently bilingual).

In fact, I'd suggest that a real risk you face is in leaving what you've build up together when you aren't inspired. That is, you've voiced a desire to do something with your life, but no ambition in particular appears to be pulling you abroad. Another sentiment sometimes expressed on this board is that travelling and living abroad are not the same. Work is, frankly, work, wherever it may be. At least in my experience, a work day in China is not really all that different from a work day in the US. Get up, wash, go to the office, etc. There are still electricity bills to pay, groceries to buy, always at least one crazy neighbor, etc. You know, normal life.

I posted here once how surprised I was as to how little of my life changed upon moving to China. Yes, different language, different culture, food is better, etc. But inside I'm mostly the same, and that's really what governs how we see our life. Of course this isn't to say that there is no point in moving abroad. But if one's hope is that moving abroad will fill some nameless void in their life- they might find that the void is still there, no matter how far they travel.

Therefore if I have any advice it would be to not give up any of your dreams, but giving up anxiety about those dreams. If your husband wants to do some long range planning,... well, someday you may be glad he did. Or maybe in a few years you'll figure out what you both really need to do, and at that time you'll rent out the house and go off together to Paris, or wherever. Purpletreefrog's advice of travelling together to find your shared likes is good. Maybe even better, if you can swing it, is to try living abroad, even if only for a few months of renting a small cheap place in SE Asia. You might succeed in luring your husband to the dark side, or you may find that having a home to return to is really nice.

Good luck!

From what you describe I think some of us are saying that this has real potential to be a serious issue in your marriage. What if you say you really need to do A, go on a long trip, and your hubby draws a line in the sand and says he just cannot yield this point?

And what are some ideas for those who do not want to spend the next decade travelling, but would like to just go on an adventure for a few months or the better part of a year

This assumes that your husband has agreed to this. Has he? If he doesn't want to go, can you just go off on your own for this duration? For many couples, especially those from North America, this can be a deal breaker. Many spouses won't just let you go off for such a long time. And if you say that he has no right to control you like this, well this is when it becomes a serious issue in your marriage and words like marriage counseling and divorce come into play. And if you don't go and just stay home, you may resent him for the rest of your life.

I think the question came out the right way acorn222 even if it isn't the question you thought you were asking.

some ideas on HOW to plan a trip when you just know you need to hit the road. What is your planning process, and how do you choose where to go, etc.

Most people I know have the problem of feeling there are too many places that they want to go - are you sure that you actually do want to go travelling not just that you want to escape wherever you are? Anyway as detailed above my planning process involves flicking through travel guides until I feel inspired to one place more than another - but I always have a long list of places I'm wanting to visit.

And what are some ideas for those who do not want to spend the next decade travelling, but would like to just go on an adventure for a few months or the better part of a year. What kind of volunteer activites, jobs, groups, etc have been meaningful to you.

Save up and just go travelling. If you are talking about a trip of only a few months then that is really the only sensible way to do it. Maybe have a week of volunteer work in there somewhere but if you are only talking a few months then jobs aren't really relevant.

And how did you arrange to put your home-life on hold during that time.

I think you are largely asking on the wrong branch for this question. We didn't put our home lives on hold, we up and moved to different countries. But, if I was wanting to simply travel for a few months my biggest concern would be the job situation when I got back. I'd try very hard to arrange some sort of deal whereby I had a job waiting for my return. Never done it myself though - when I leave I leave.

If you can't think of anywhere you want to go, perhaps you are ready to settle down after all.

My problem is there are so many places I still want to go, I'm not sure how I'm going to fit them all in.

Shut up and feed those chickens!

BTW a real estate woman in East Texas, told me,"If you build a house that's very unusual, it may kill hope of selling it. It takes money to tear it down."

Thanks trespassersw, very thorough answer. It's inspiring to hear of someone who has not compromised on either the home or the adventure front. Many of the couples I know, once they have kids, are hard-pressed to leave town for even a weekend. I suppose it's just how your organize your lives that will allow you to expand your boundaries a bit.

As for those who are commenting on my marriage... thanks, but I came here to seek advice from travellers who may have encountered a similar situation; not marriage commentators. I am assuming not ALL of you are footloose and fancy free... you must have some commitments.

Purpletreefrog, I think that might be close to the truth. I mostly want to get out of this town. Whether that be for a few months, or forever, I think I will have to figure that out. I imagine when you "travel", it's heavily influenced by what friend is where, and what opportunity comes up for you in what country through word of mouth or whatnot. But for someone who mainly just wants to find a better place to plant roots, I am curious what the process would be. Maybe I am just idealistic in thinking that I can go online, look at that stats of another place, go on the job boards, and just up and move.

Gawkabout: Thanks for the Texas update. I plan on owning a fairly normal and modest house - if not just giving up and squatting on goverment land for the rest of my life.

You really are all over the place acorn222. Now you are talking about moving to another town or is it moving to another country? First you write all about your marriage and then you say we mis-read you and what you are looking for is advice on how to plan a trip. So far I count 4 different things in what you have written.

It seems obvious you have no idea what you want to do other than get out of that town. So I have to ask why did you move there in the first place? You knew where your husband was from and presumably you talked about moving there when you got married. Is it that having now lived there for a while you find you don't like it? What city are you from, Toronto? Could it be you are just a city girl and want to move back to the city? It sounds like your husband is happy right where he is and if that is the case, you have a difference between you that is not going to be resolved by asking about travel.

"I came here to seek advice from travellers who may have encountered a similar situation;"

What 'situation' are you asking about? Clarity in your writing is sorely lacking.

Oh, get off my case travelinstyle46. What do you care if my question does not exactly meet some sort of imagined standard of yours? In fact, why are you even still posting on this thread if you feel so strongly about the invalidity of the question asked? Are you some sort of marriage counsellor looking for a portfolio? You're on the wrong site then. Or are you just a friendly traveller with some advice for others? Then why are you criticizing me? What does it matter to you what I do with my life? Should I be apologizing to you for taking up space on your precious internet? Chill out!

As for the others who have constructively discussed this topic with me, thank you, your input has been valuable!

Hang in there, OP.

This Texan found a home in Seville, Spain. As an artist, I'm accepted better here than ever in the U.S. And people are nicer. They live by the Golden Rle, but have never heard of it.

I ask, after they go way out of their way to help me, "By the way, what religeon are you?"

The usual answer is a smiling, "Oh, I'm athiest."

I asked a waiter in Malaga, "Why do you let beggars come inside to work the tables?"

"Hey." says he, "It could be me."

they call that "The Humanity."

Would your husband backpack Europe for cheaper, better knowlege of the world's people? Ground level folks to folks travel. Whole families bp together. Only way I'll go anymore.

OP, some of the negative comments here may be because you come across as someone who is afraid of permanency, rather than someone who is inspired to travel and experience new places and cultures. It sounds like you had (have) a happy life together, and don't really want to travel but feel it is something you should do now because you may not get another chance.

"Ok, if you can prove to me that it will be better than this, I will do it."

How do you plan to do that? Your quality of life will almost certainly be less than what you have in Canada. Unless your husband values the intangiable benefits of living and travelling overseas as much as you do, it will be difficult to present a case to go somewhere.

If you can convince your husband, I think your best bet is for both of you to take a sabbatical and spend 3-6 months travelling a particular area, possibly spending a few weeks or longer in one place. It will set back your husband's dreams of building a house financially and time-wise, so a lot will depend on how much he is willing to compromise.

"Ok, if you can prove to me that it will be better than this, I will do it."

That to me, along with other things you have said (eg 'providing' for you) imo says that he is someone who appears to be quite structured or at least wants to be sensible and logical in his approach.

There's nothing wrong with that. But perhaps present your desire for travel in a logical or structured way as well.

If buying a house, kids, family, living in a good town etc are important to both you and your husband then for god's sake, tell him that. Or else it sounds (i imagine) like you are just being young, irresponsible and don't really think of the practical side of things. I don't mean you are that way....just that you don't want to sound that way if you are presenting a logical, thought out suggestion to your husband.

Tell him that you want to travel and experience things. But don't+ present it in a way that sounds like you want to drop out of life and mosey around with your backpack. Put a deadline on the trip, or when you want to take it, even. Suggest that you want to spend a short time away +before (not instead of) doing those things. Or if it's simply a holiday/extended holiday you want, suggest that. Suggest buying the house and letting it in a few years to travel on some sort of sabbatical/extended leave period. Or don't buy the house for another 6 months. Or something.

Either way I think you have itchyfeetitis. It sounds like it is important to tell him that. It really sounds like you don't know what you want (short trips, longer trips of a few months, or two years away?). I just wonder if presenting it in a logical thought out way as to what you want, and how it can still be good to do, would be a good approach to take?

Alternatively, if you don't want to go away for long either, suggest to him that you do actually want to travel. And suggest a slightly longer summer holiday (or something).

But I think unless you can figure out what you want then it's understandable that he doesn't really want to make a lot of changes.

Everybody travels for their own reasons.

I met an older fireman couple in Portugal, from the states.

They fly to anywhere on cheapest tickets.
Just to hang out in firehouses.

I met a coupole from Queensland, in Austin, Texas. They're from a small farming community. Our big cities scared them. They had a big pick-em-up-truck they rented in Seattle.

They were searching for towns with similar names to theirs. Turns out, they are all small farming towns.

Serendipity has served better than any plan, I started with.

Hubby would be amazed how many like minds to his, stay in hostels.

www.hostelz.com

Many have double rooms with private loo.

FORWARD!

BTW I'm 70. I stayed in hostels at first, because of guidebooks. Now I stay there for kids my own age to play with.

Hostels are Fun and informative and wisdom producing (if we'll just hear 'em out.)

Gawkabout: very interesting about the religions. You get that here (North America) too - where Atheists are often just as kind/more kind than those who flaunt their religion. That is a whole other subject though! Humanity is evident everywhere, but I think we are often more observant of other cultures than our own (at least I think I am).

t-mike: Thanks for your post - I think you are right, I am afraid of permenancy! But there is no wrong reason to want to travel, is there? Aren't we all a little afraid of permenancy? You hit the nail on the head: I want to be free while we can! But then it's back to gawkabout's point, that freedom is what you make for yourself, and no matter what point in life you are at, you still have to be open to serendipity.

sneakerfish: you sound like my Dad. Are you my Dad? Haha. But I would have to agree with you - the fact is that husband is very sensible, and I am pretty idealistic/abstract. So I will have to find a way to make my idea translate into his brain as something he can make sense of. For example, if he is Catholic, include a pilrimage to the Vatican in our trip. Or if he likes wine, arrange a tour of Bordeaux. Etc. Acknowledge that house/kids/job are important to BOTH of us, but that if we can plan a trip together that touches on interests of both of us that I will feel more apt to settle down.

Thanks guys. This is helping the thought process!

God I hope I'm not your dad! Is your father a 31 year old blonde woman from New Zealand?

I tend to just be good at recognising the best way to argue or reason with people though, especially when I want my own way!

But I do think that if you are going to take time off then logic suggests you would have more chance of convincing him to do it earlier rather than later.

It took a "failed" but super close suicide attempt, to ok my lifestyle.

The ipiphany came about two minutes after I heard BANG.

Like we say in AA,"Don't give up, five minutes b4 the miracle."
*see profile.

One door led to another.

There are things in life that you cannot provide reason and proof, especially when you deal with yearning. So you are kidding yourselves by trying to reason out things this way.

It sounds to me that you and your partner are reaching a juncture in your relationship. Either it will break, or grow stronger from this point on.

Whatever decision you make, do not look back and regret over it.

OP, ... you come across as someone who is afraid of permanency, rather than someone who is inspired to travel and experience new places and cultures. It sounds like you had (have) a happy life together, and don't really want to travel but feel it is something you should do now because you may not get another chance

That's how I read it too.

I'm hoping to find, from others who have dealt with similar situations, some ideas on HOW to plan a trip when you just know you need to hit the road. What is your planning process, and how do you choose where to go, etc. And what are some ideas for those who do not want to spend the next decade travelling, but would like to just go on an adventure for a few months or the better part of a year. What kind of volunteer activites, jobs, groups, etc have been meaningful to you. And how did you arrange to put your home-life on hold during that time.

Your questions are definitely all over the place.

My responses are, perhaps, different from others as my experience is different. I read that while you are happily married, you dream of travel and perhaps your spouse doesn't have this same dream. Like so many other things in marriage, this is an area in which you can try to build some compromise and that might mean traveling for shorter periods and alone. No one says that you must always travel with your spouse.

Lots of things in a marriage get negotiated early in the relationship and then difficult to renegotiate later. Don't expect him to change and one day decide that travel is something that he desires. This is extremely unlikely to happen.

My suggestion is to sit down now with your spouse and discuss your dreams of being able to travel and figure out some sort of compromise. Years ago I worked with a pediatrician who was married to a foreign service officer who wanted to work overseas. Their agreement, he would be responsible for deciding where they lived for the first 10 years and then it would be her turn.

Before the end of my first year of marriage my husband and I took the first of many separate vacations. That pattern has remained. We take some vacations together and some independently. After all, while we love one another we don't have to prove that by doing everything together and there are some things that each of us enjoys that the other doesn't.

To address your questions quoted above. I wouldn't start by looking to travel for a few months or the better part of the year. I would start by looking at being away for a few weeks.

some ideas on HOW to plan a trip when you just know you need to hit the road. What is your planning process, and how do you choose where to go, etc.

You start by thinking how much time and money do you have without negatively impacting your joint goals. For example, you are saving for a house. How about also saving for a short trip for you to go someplace you want to go? Pick a place that is relatively nearby or inexpensive to reach for a week or two. Set reasonable goals.

And what are some ideas for those who do not want to spend the next decade travelling, but would like to just go on an adventure for a few months or the better part of a year.

Start smaller. Think about a few weeks, not months or the better part of a year.

What kind of volunteer activites, jobs, groups, etc have been meaningful to you.

What places, languages, history, culture, architecture, activities appeal to you? This isn't about what I like but about what you like. How do you spend your free time? Your own interests should direct you to which volunteer activities, jobs, groups, etc are meaningful to you and those may or may not direct you to where to travel. Sometimes a trip you take or a person you meet will help you decide where you want to focus your travel and sometimes it will happen in reverse and sometimes travel and things you do at home are completely unrelated.

As an example, over 20 years ago I met two young men from Russia. Since then I have been to Russia multiple times, taken classes in Russian at the local university, sought out museums that have Russian art exhibits, read Russian history and novels. But neither of these two men now live in Russia and so while my interest in Russia is still strong, now I also travel to visit them where they live.

So I will turn the question back to you. What interests do you have? They may influence your decisions about where to travel or they may not.

And how did you arrange to put your home-life on hold during that time.

Your question about putting your home-life on hold during the time that you travel indicates some conflict. If you are talking about long term travel - years, for example - then travel becomes your life. If you are talking about shorter term - weeks to months - then you need to think about what bills need to be paid while you are traveling and how to arrange leave of absence from your employment, etc. Either way it requires planning and asking questions regarding what is important to you and what are your priorities.

Ruth

How to plan a trip, is by setting a date. Someday has been and gone.

Step two is don't get the paralisis of analysis. Plans change along the way, when there.

Serve your old man an atlas, with his grits tonight. Good luck.\

Also don't buy plane tickets till you talk with us. Shun retail !!!!!!!

Ruth's suggestion of solo travel options is a good one!

My husband & I met on the road 8 years ago, and while we've traveled together quite a bit, I've taken long trips from 2-6 months to work on projects (papermaking/art research, meetings, etc) It did help that I always had a project/goal for these trips, so he didn't take it personally as me abandoning him - well, not most of the time. But that was part of the deal: if he wanted to marry me, he was marrying my goals, too: I wanted to be a travel writer and artist, period.

What's your career/studies background? What are your goals?

For example, one of my goals is to learn a new language (conversationally/reading level) every 10 years. Italian was one, and to help that along I've bought a studio in Sicily where we'll spend 2 months/year and rent it out during summer/autumn (we'll also get to see family there who can't come to Asia). Goal-directed decisions are a great way to convince a partner you've got your act together and aren't just running away from him.

It's easy to feel trapped, it's easy to run away without realizing it, but you'll both be happiest when going FOR something, not just because home feels like a death-trap.

I would start with small steps, like, book a flight to Mexico (or wherever your fancy takes you, not too far from home), just you and a rucksack and go...

It will give you a chance to see if the travel bug has really got you, how you travel alone (cos he doesn't sound like it's his thing) or when you are there, realise you prefer your husband's idea of married life - house, kids, etc.

No point in thinking big, before you've done the small steps.

From reading your post it doesn't sound like you are ready to settle down (and you are so young!), but you owe it to yourself and your husband, (and eventual children!) to find that out.

You have more than enough time to have children, once they are there, it's 24/7 and travel plans (and money for it) are on the back burner.....

<became a mum at 36>