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A friend of mine here in Bangkok comes from a conservative Muslim country. She is considering leaving her husband, whose corporate job brought them here.

Here for the first time ever she has a taste of freedom. She has no fear of walking down the street; it's not a crime to be outside without her husband. She and I get together for drinks and I am careful not to give her advice unless she asks me directly, because the environment I grew up in is so different from hers. I don't tell her what I think she should do; I just tell her my stories: of my travels and heartaches and escapes from men and motorbikes, of how from the beginning I told my husband I wanted to make a living from my travel-writing and art, and if he couldn't take my long absences then he should look elsewhere for a girlfriend.

She is a well-educated businesswoman who has left the corporate world to pursue her art. But now she is financially dependant on her husband. She is listening to her 'inner voice' but also has responsibility to her daughter. Then there's the culture: how to expose her child to her home culture while living somewhere else? How to mute those aspects that are unpleasant to women and which she finds unpalatable?

It is good you are asking yourself these questions now, before you have children - if you decide to have them - that you're exposing yourself to new environments and people and places. The more you do this, the more options you will find. Perhaps more confusion too. That's part of the process.

And as every travel-writer will tell you, there's no need to cross the world to travel-all you've got to do is walk down your street and imagine it's your first time, and it will seem a new place. It sounds like you're doing that already.

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41

On the contrary to what many people may believe, I think that leaving isn't me running away from my problems. Over the months, I have had time to think over what it is I am doing and whether or not I am making the right decisions. It's not a decision made out of haste or anger. It is so easy for me to stay, accept the goals that I had created for myself previously, be with my loving family and husband and accept that that is life. I will have a steady job, move up in my career and have extremely cute kids. I have spoken of my unhappiness and my family is aware that things aren't exactly as they should be for me. To leave things as they are is so tempting and so easy and I won't hurt anyone in the process.

On the other hand for me to pick up and just go traveling is to throw away my logic and rationality and simply go on by trusting my feelings. If I don't feel things are right now, then they probably won't be in the future. I cannot leave without ending it with my husband because that would be unfair for him. I don't want him to hold on to any hope that things may work out because I don't know how my experiences will affect me as I learn to finally be independent for the first time in my life. I am scared on so many levels; scared of being on my own, scared of loosing a career, scared of never being able to find someone who loves me, scared of the disappointment from my family and the "shame" on the family, scared for my safety as a girl traveling alone. But worst of all, I fear regret. I feel that if I don't do this, I will regret it; it is not everyday when one still has the opportunity to leave, and the longer I linger, the more baggage I will carry. I feel so vulnerable writing this but ah well, that's a new step into learning for me that I am not as strong as I normally put up to be.

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42

If you don't try it, you'll never know. That's what an old boss told me about expatting in Spain or Portugal..I took the chance. I discover new good reasons why all the time, as I go and grow.

5 years in Seville so far. And many more to come.

I'm visiting Texas right now. Nothing has changed here. Except higher prices and paranoia.

Why festwer in the Hell of indesision.

You're old man must change some day. Its your move.

10 to 1 your Mama will never have the manipulating heart attack.

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43

"Running away from your problems" is what, I suspect, people close to you are using to describe your desires.

You are not running away, but wanting to start a new chapter in your life and that means closing the old one.

Listening to my heart, I have never regretted it, because it is the times that I am true to myself. Going travelling solo, my first trip, changed me enormously.I learned to be more self confident, patient, open and accepting. I also knew I never wanted to go back to my previous style of life and I never looked back.

It a old but true cliche "The first step is always the hardest".

Hope things work out for you.

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44

Don't worry so much. All my Texas friends said, "Why do you want to move to Seville? You don't know anybody there, do you?"

Silly. Friends don't want to see you get hurt. Or live your dreams if its not paradigm.

Go be free.

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45

You were raised on feeling guilty. Better to do it where you're really happy. Evidently its not working for you in your guilt nursing home.
Don't let fear of this and that, run your life.

Lots of women backpack solo.

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46

How many times have you seen that counsillor?

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47

Or misspelled as much as I do?
8-( :oQ

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48

My counselor said, if he asked me whether or not I want o stay with my husband and I can't answer it within a second, the answer is "no".
I would like to ask all the married people out there.....would you be able to answer quickly without hesitation if I were to ask you "Do you want to stay with your spouse forever"?
Apparently I should not over analyze, just go with my heart. Problem is, I dont know when my brain is affecting my heart because it keeps swaying 1 way and then another.

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49

(Although the thread was started some time ago, my 2d worth)

Not really possible for people to "advise" on but only to point out aspects relevant to any decision.

I often feel the same. Tends to be worse when I have to do things I don't really want to - and I just want to escape and bring my destiny under my own control. i.e. to escape those external forces determining what I must do. Yet whatever you do (escape and travel included) there will always be a host of factors determining what you can and cannot do.

Comments like "life is not a dress rehearsal" are quite true. An argument that I consider a lot is that regret at not having done something is far harder to bear than trying and failing. (i.e. I would far rather try and fail than live with the regret of not having tried).

But our own personalities can determine things a lot. I have found in myself a tendency to not value what I have as much as I should. So when I give it up I only then realise how much I meant to me. True (for me) of a wide range of things from relationships to where I live to more trivial things. But we are all different. And recognising something in yourself can help avoid it in future.

Sometimes we let things get to us and just want to escape. But often what we need to escape is ourselves and wherever you go, you will be there. May sound a weird comment but to me it means that if something is wrong, sort it out rather than run away as when you run away the problem remains and you might lose things of value.

I'm finding at the moment I getting very frustrated with material possessions. I look round the house and feel suffocated by all the stuff I seem to own and feel it like a millstone - holding me from what I want to do. We all change and develop and how we feel now is different from a year ago and we will feel different in a years time.

I'm not suggesting you should or should not travel. Rather, make sure you know why you want to do it and that it really will address what you are looking for. Make sure you burn as few boats as possible. Think about how you can try and keep a way open to return should it turn out not to be the solution you seek.

(And I'm sure I could have worked a few other saying into the above, or at least made it a lot more pompous sounding - and I don't even know how to add a smiley here !!)

Ian


Personal website: psamathe.net
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