GUS probes his ear with a match.
BEN. (Slapping his hand) Don't waste them! Go on, go and light it.
GUS. Eh?
BEN. Go and light it.
GUS. Light what?
BEN. The kettle.
GUS. You mean the gas.
BEN. Who does?
GUS. You do.
BEN (his eyes narrowing). What do you mean, I mean the gas?
GUS. Well, that's what you mean, don't you? The gas.
BEN (powerfully). If I say go and light the kettle I mean go and light the kettle.
GUS. How can you light the kettle?
BEN. It's a figure of speech! Light the kettle. It's a figure of speech!
GUS. I've never heard it.
BEN. Light the kettle! It's common usage!
GUS. I think you've got it wrong.
BEN (menacing). What do you mean?
GUS.They say put on the kettle.
BEN (taut). Who says?
They stare at each other, breathing hard.
(Deliberately.) I have never in all my life heard anyone say put on the kettle.
GUS. I bet my mother used to say it.
BEN. Your mother? When did you last see your mother?
GUS. I don't know, about--
BEN. Well, what are you talking about your mother for?
They stare.
GUS, I'm not trying to be unreasonable. I'm just trying to point out something to you.
GUS. Yes, but--
BEN. Who's the senior partner here, me or you?
GUS. You.
BEN. I'm only looking after your interests, Gus. You've got to learn, mate.
GUS. Yes, but I've never heard--
BEN (vehemently). Nobody sways light the gas! What does the gas light?.
GUS. What does the gas--?
BEN (grabbing him with two hands by the throat, at arm's length). THE KETTLE, YOU FOOL!
GUS takes the hands from his throat.
GUS. All right, all right.
Pause.
BEN. Well, what are you waiting for?
GUS. I want to see if they light.
BEN. What?
GUS. The matches.
He takes out the flattened box and tries to strike.
No.
He throws the box under the bed.
BEN stares at him.
GUS raises his foot.
Shall I try it on here?
BEN stares. GUS strikes a match on his shoe. It lights.
Here we are.
BEN (wearily). Put on the bloody kettle, for Christ's sake.
BEN goes to his bed, but, realizing what he has said, stops and half turns. They look at each other. GUS slowly exits, left. BEN slams his paper down on the bed and sits on it, head in hands.
GUS (entering). It's going.
BEN. What?
GUS. The stove.
GUS goes to his bed and sits.
Harold Pnter, The Dumbwaiter