Pathetic!!!

I have never seen anything like this! I am new to this whole internet fiasco, but so far I am terribly disappointed; during my first hour “online”, I have encountered nothing but the sort of mindless-drivel of the sort I find here. I mean, I can get this kind of frivolous-idiocy for free by tuning into my local commercial-radio-station, without having to waste my time and money on this so-called wonder invention. How pathetic.

Anyway, the reason you find me here, unfortunately in the role of educator, is that I have just searched for "long-distance cycling" on a search-engine, and had the misfortune of being directed to this page. I know that the world has gone mad, but this is just appalling - what a load of tummy-rot! Here we have the most bizarre coming-together of social-misfits I have ever witnessed – some of whom are quite prepared to flap around in the most undignified manner, in full view of the world, because they are unable to make a simple decision about which tyres, saddle, or handlebars they should use, which route they should take, or whether or not their latest minor ailment is merely a figment of their imagination. What a depressing waste of what, I’m sure, could be a very useful resource if used properly. Toughen-up a bit please!

In 1946 I cycled from France to India in the first ever long-distance race of its kind: the Paris to Bombay team event. Thanks to my perseverance, my team finished an admirable 4th out of an initial 93 teams, taking 8 months t complete the route. Now, let me let you into a little secret: there were no fancy tyres, high-tech gearing, or lightweight materials then. My handlebars probably weighed as much as your complete bicycles today, and by the time my equipment was mounted on my iron racks, it took four fully-grown men to carry my stead to the starting line. There was no swapping and changing of saddles either; you either liked it, or lumped it. In fact chaps, I used a plastic saddle, had no grips on my handlebars, and was operating on just 3 gears for the whole race. At night, I would don an extra pair of socks, hat and gloves, and huddle down with my team-mates for warmth - I couldn't rely on a £200 mummy’s-boy comfort sleeping bag. Eating would invlove scavengng for whatever scraps I could find (competitors weren’t allowed to carry money - if they had any at all) and building myself a real fire (you know, with wood); no fancy cooking devices back then, you can be quite certain of that. So, did I complain? Did I cry down the phone to mummy, book into a hotel, or jump on the next flight home? No. Why? Because, then, we had a certain something that seems to be absent from society today: dignity.

Anyway, as if having to read through some the entries on this message-board wasn’t a grave enough insult to my intelligence, the so-called “online search facility”, that I had entrusted to guide me safely and effortlessly to some proper information about long distance cycling, then decided to lead me to what can only be described as some examples of the most appalling misuses of time, money and resources that I have ever encountered: cyclo-blogs. What awful things! Looking at some of them, I get the impression that most people just don't know how lucky they are. Water-proof bags, electical-speedometers, flashing-lights, cycle-helmets, puncture-proof tyres, adjustable stems, I-Pods, digital-cameras, video-recorders, rabies-injections, dog-dazzlers, visa-companies, bike-boxes, chlorine-tablets, brakes. It's a never-ending barrage of high-tech waffle that amounts to absolutely nothing, other than to highlight your complete inability to survive in the wilderness without the help of some new, all-singing, all-dancing, consumer product. And then we have people with the audacity to call themselves “self-supported”, or worse, "self-sufficient". What a sad reflection of the times this is.

Whilst you might be convinced that the exaggerated tales of exotic creatures, hostile tribes, and mysterious lands are succeeding in making your ex-employer, ex-wife, or whoever else envious of your new adventurous lifestyle, just remember one thing: without your waterproof panniers, light-weight tent and GPS, you are nothing. And, to those of you gallivanting across the globe willy-nilly, be it to satisfy some kind of neo-colonial desire, to feed the children, save the pandas, stop a war, or whatever other ridiculous reasoning is behind your complete misuse of the social and financial freedom you have been granted, please read carefully: neither myself, nor anyone else in the working-world, are prepared to contribute to the social-handouts you will undoubtedly want to receive on your return when you discover that your time away civilisation has rendered you virtually unemployable.

So, next time I come to search for something as innocent as "long distance cycling", I do not expect to have to bare witness to the same cocktail of new-age, fuzzy-minded, unconstructive liberalism that I have witnessed from you 'cyclo-tourists' today.