Packing tips for your dirt nap

The "Top Five Regrets" struck me as a bit opportunistic. These "regrets" are nothing new. This nurse has published a $20 book that tells every thnking person what they already know. The non-thinking Type A career-obsessed men/women who ignore their family for work have their own agenda and wouldn't listen anyway.

The "happiness is a choice" comes straight from a Meryl Streep movie. Or rather, the book that inspired the movie.

"Health brings a freedom very few realize until they no longer have it." Is this the same as "youth is wasted on the young?"

And so on .....

I think she's exploiting her position as a palliative care nurse to make it seem that she has some kind of direct access to the wisdom of the dying. But there is no evidence that the dying have any more wisdom in their final days than they did the year before. She is marketing a book. Period.

From what I've seen, the final days are not marked by clarity, but endured in a haze of morphine that ineffectively stabs at unbearable, gutwrenching pain. Sorry if that sounds brutal. My beloved brother is in his final weeks, being eating alive from the inside out by cancer and I'm impatient these days with platitudes.

Then again, I've not read the book, just the article that was posted. The newsmedia are notorious for cherrypicking soundbites that make authors look like whankers. So if I find the book for free at a book exchange in some camping park in the years to come, I will open it up and give her a chance.

I think the 'death bed regrets' angle was contrived as a way to sell an advice book written by a fairly immature woman who will probably look back on it with regret when she gets older.

My sense is that by the time most people accept that this is it, they're dying and their life is over - they're usually focussed on surviving day by day - they're living in the present moment and wondering about what will happen when they die, not wasting precious time looking back and compiling regrets.

It's more likely in old age that people have lots of leisure to look back on their lives and that can lead in all sorts of directions - even if the person spent their whole life doing and saying exactly what they wanted, they don't necessarily sit back feeling satisfied, they can be bitter and resentful that they've been evicted from the party.

More powerful book on this same theme is Tolstoy's Death of Ivan Illych, but he also made the whole thing up.

I've worked in hospice and have studied, taught, and written about the end of life. One of the questions I asked many of my patients was something along the lines of, if you had your life to live over, what would you like to be different? Many of the answers were similar to those given in the article and the discussions around those answers were often helpful.

Life isn't over when one is dying. For some it is, and that's sad. For others it can be a time of awakening and reconciliation - some people are more alive than ever before.

"From what I've seen, the final days are not marked by clarity, but endured in a haze of morphine that ineffectively stabs at unbearable, gutwrenching pain. Sorry if that sounds brutal. My beloved brother is in his final weeks, being eating alive from the inside out by cancer..."

Living2, this is not often the case these days, and if your brother is in the condition you describe, something is likely wrong with the care (or something else may be going on or he be in a very small minority for whom current practices are ineffective). This would be a time for the family to talk with the people in charge of his care. You could arm yourselves with current information. Here is a good place to start: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=palliative<i>care</i>outcomes

A PM would have been a better way to communicate this. I hope you receive the message in the spirit it is given.

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Interesting reading and very much my life philosophy.
At early stage of my adult life I knew I wouldn't waste my life on proffessional career. Freedom and staying independent were the key words. Had my ups and downs, but always managed to stay alive, raised children (and travelled with them), was employed and ran my own business, haven't been out of work a single day but had a lot of free time, and never was poor.
And I travelled a lot pursuing one of my life passions.

to add a little bit more to the subject...

I wouldn't agree that this view ("I wish I hadn't worked so hard") is typical for old or demented people tied to bed and "endured in a haze of morphine that ineffectively stabs at unbearable, gutwrenching pain".

Among my aquaintances there's one person with whom I enjoy long conversations about life, especially that there's considerable age difference between us. He's age of my parents (who no longer live), he just turned 90 a few months ago. A man at good health and clear mind, unaffected by age. He did his last Vasa Run (90 km cross country ski run) at the age of 84.
The man spent his life as top scientist in nuclear physics and is world famous in his field. He's saying that he's had very interesting life and he doesn't regret anything. But he adds also, he wished the work hadn't taken such a huge portion of his life, even though physics was his passion throughout his life. He also says that that regret is/was very common among his retired collegues.

It's more likely in old age that people have lots of leisure to look back on their lives and that can lead in all sorts of directions

Not sure about the 'leisure'. I seem to be busier than ever - with no set hours to stop working. :>))

(But, for sure, it's led me in different directions- though that's the story of my entire life.)

even if the person spent their whole life doing and saying exactly what they wanted, they don't necessarily sit back feeling satisfied, they can be bitter and resentful that they've been evicted from the party.

I think, when we get older we stop posturing. So people who are basically satisfied will show even more satisfaction, while the bitter and resentful - the 'why me..e..e 's?' - will get even more that way.

I asked an Irishman,"How's it going?"

He said,"Well, I ain't wearin' the wooden overcoat yet, so so far, so good."

My aunt is 93, and in a nursing home. She's v frail now - but the saddest thing is when she says she's done nothing with her life. I remind her she was in logistics during WW2 - so men landed on D-Day with enough equipment, with food and medical supplies close behind. She dismisses this - it was just what she had to do.

She says she is simply waiting to die - and then tells me to go travelling now, while I can (as if I need encouragement) but follows this with a plea to visit her soon.

I don't suppose any of us know what those last days will be like - but I hope I won't look back and dismiss the things I've achieved, nor the places I've visited.

"Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom."

Such has not been my experience. My relatives have died in various states of confusion with senile dementia and/or large doses of morphine.

There is also the question as to what period the end of life covers.

I am sure at the end of my life I would regret having read her book.