My wife travels on work quite often, once even all the way to Hong Kong for a month (we are from New York). My experience is that it is a lot tougher on her than it is on our daughter. The kid pretty much adapts, has her schedule, and gets on with life. My wife ends up calling at odd hours with "I was just worried" or "I wanted to say hi". Don't worry about the kids, they will miss you but they'll be fine.
I would also not do the video. A video will only make it harder for them because they will be constantly confronted with your absence. At the age of 3, it is much easier to not have to deal with emotional issues than it is to confront them. Ditto for the calendar. And, believe me, it is far better to give presents in person than it is to do so by proxy! Call frequently and talk to them (even if they don't talk back to you) and think of what a great role model you are for them. My wife and I are both strong career people and my daughter, she turned four today, is already thinking about "when I grow up I'll go to office like my mama does" and she bangs away on a laptop (that is her idea of work) in the evenings.
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<hr>This trip concerns work-related research<hr></blockquote>
Ah, that clears something up.
Right, why not ask your employer to take you AND your family.
I do this and it my employes accept it. The fist time they objected, but I simply asked if as a company they are committed to supporting families? That did the trick.
If you're trying to get your employer to break this up a bit ... could you turn this around and ask the employer to let your family join you for a week or two - where you all go off on holiday (wherever it is you're going) and then the children can see where you are, your new friends etc etc ... be a great time for you to have with the children as well!
Kira
Keep negotiating!! I would expect that if your trip is work-related research then they are alos paying for food and accommodation. In my experience these are usually more than adequate to swap with family type accommodation and you would be paying for food any way if you were at home. Is the place you are going to safe for children or is there any other explanation of why they can't go with you. Coming home for a brief visit is better than prolonged absence. Or as #12 said swap the plane ticket for family to visit you. You are obviously concerned enough to take professional advice. Ask the psychologist about their knowledge of children who have been separated from a parent for a long time without seeing them eg foster care or jail, not just theoretical guesses. Also have they had experience of teenagers who have had a parent absent during child hood for a long period. Sometimes other unplanned events happen later in life which can compound effects of childhood absence. Obviously we can't plan for these, but the best plan is to avoid setting up problems where possible. This is sounding very "preachy" but it is a complex issue and it sounds as if you are really working to address it with your family. Best of luck.
Yeah I'll lay on the guilt.
Miss Christmas with your kids? Are you nuts? They are almost 3 and this will be their first real Christmas where they are really excited.
I cannot imagine putting my career before my children. Why did you have kids anyway? So you can leave them for months at a time? So what if Dad is there to care for them, they'll miss their mom. As far as the kids are concerned, you might as well be dead because they are to young to understand that you are only away for a few months.
Travel as a family or stay home.
My husband has had a lot of time away from us with work. It started to upset our older son and my husband hated missing the boy's milestones. He tried to negotiate with his boss but to no avail, so two weeks ago he quit. Both of us have adjusted our work lives so as our children don't suffer. Is it possible to go freelance with your work? Or tell your employer that it is impossible to spend that amount of time away and for them to arrange for them to go with you.
If you go with the plan as it stands now then don't do any calendar etc as it's too long. Have a calendar for the last week only. Don't do a video as it's too painful but some bedtime stories on a tape should be ok.
Just go, let your husband deal with their feelings while you are gone and then you make up for it when you return.
Good luck, whatever you do.
I am afraid that I must add to the negative comments to your plan to leave little kids for so long. There is a lot of research about separation anxiety, and that being deprived of your mother at an early age can have very serious long-term effects. Have you spoken to your GP/Family Doctor? I suspect they have more practical views on kids than psychologists.
My kids have a father who works abroad, and although they were always used to separations from him, (of 3 months per year until they were 6 and now they are teenagers, for 6 months per year), we have always had to do a lot of work on this, and it HAS affected them. For a mother, and especially if you have NOT been away fro long before, I think this could potentially lead to many more problems for them than we have experienced.
Of course people do OK being separated as you say, and especially if the father will be a FULL TIME carer, but this is in unavoidable circumstances. As other posters have said, have you asked yourself if it is really worth doing this for your career, could you not wait, or else ask for the family to accompany you?
Good grief, some people are really having a go at you here!
I was assuming that you aren't actually planning this trip as a jolly and respect the fact that only you know what is right for you and your family, harsh judgements such as "you might as well be dead" don't help or give any respect for your dilemma. It sounds to me that you are thinking all of the options through and aren't taking it lightly at all.
I have left my children (for shorter periods so can't comment on a longer trip) first for a work related but not compulsory- trip when my daughter was 12 months old, and again (to visit a friend in NZ, too far and too expensive for us all to go) when they were 3 & 5 years old. Both times for two and a half weeks, whilst Daddy was holding fort. Did me the world of good and them no harm at all. I didn't phone home much as this seemed to upset my daughter but she did get the hang of e-mailing at the tender age of 5.
Good luck with trying to find a workable solution that you and your family are comfortable with.
I agree with poster no. 17.
My son is now three and a half. His father has travelled quite extensively for longish periods of time since age 9 months.
We made the experiences away as fun and positive for us all as possible. It seemed to have a more negative impact on my husband and myself than on our son. When it got to be too tough for my husband to miss out, and for me to go it alone, he would come home. This never gets any easier, I imagine, until perhaps they are grown.
I would definately recommend that you hash out some plan with your employer so that you may return without penalty if need be, for any reason. Good luck, and happy travels.
#16 "Have you spoken to your GP/Family Doctor? I suspect they have more practical views on kids than psychologists. " I have known several psychologists with large families and psychologists with no children, psychologists with 30 years experience and psychologists with 6 months experience, psychologists with experience and knowledge in fields related to this topic and psychologists with no experience or knowledge related to the topic. Doctors may be in a similar range of situations, though I doubt their in depth knowledge in child psychology. Psychologist are required not to work outside their field of training. Hopefully any psychologist consulted will be giving information related to their professional knowledge and experience. "Practical views" on kids may be no more informed than chatting over the back fence!!
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