Funeral in Germany

accidentally skipped the later discussions - Icking is a smaller Bavarian town - I grew up just about an hour driving from there - not dressing up properly and boasting that you prefered to donate money instead will not make you any friends - it will be seen as disrespectful, ignorant and arrogant -

On my noting that few are actually reading my posts - with most responses wildly assumptive, disrespecful, ignorant and arrogant ….. I very much doubt I should bother to follow up – but here goes.

I again copy in the E-mail I received from family in Icking and posted in this thread..

“A black suit, you need to get, due to the declaration of - surely not!”

And below is the final advice received from family in Icking:
• No viewing.
• The body will be cremated.
• No funeral service.

• No cemetery.

• No one will know where the urn will be placed - anonymous grave.
• There will be a simple gathering at a relative’s house in Icking.

• Have been advised on telephone, that the idea of wearing anything other than regular clothing is ridiculous.

= = = = = =

It would have been relatively easy to decide what to wear with a funeral in most other places in the world – but there were extenuating circumstances – and our family live and work about the world – and all had to be decided right now - i.e. flight to Bavaria within 24 hours.

Thank you to those that were polite and supportive - the short notice was a shock to say the least.

First, my condolences.

This is an absolutely non-typical procedure without any formal ceremony. If it's just a gathering in someone's house, of course the usual dressing rules might not apply. How could any poster here know about that? This is no allegation because I think you didn't know what was exactly planned either.

Mattoni: Yes of course you are right – I had no idea. However, the need to attend this event definitely did trigger memories of articles which I had previously read in the media and also brought to mind of when I was about others chatting on the subject. Some wouldn’t go to a funeral without wearing black – so many many things were required - - and others were exactly the opposite – and all were multi generation Germans.

I so wish I had realized the operative word for me to have GOOGLED should have been ‘anonymous’. For once I received the confirmed advice of the funeral – which I printed out here - then a myriad of info was produced by GOOGLE using this specific term. Below are some URLS that I think should be of interest:

Rise in popularity of alternative burials (written in 2005)

Of the approximately 820,000 who die annually in Germany, about 15 percent opt to be buried anonymously, without ceremony. Likewise, more and more Germans are also opting for non-traditional options such as burial at sea, communal graves or burial in woodland cemeteries.
Click Here

In the following link, the writer declares ……. “I cannot deny that I find this personally abhorrent</i>” ….. thus the probable reason ??? - - for the many personal assumptions in this thread as to my character – also as to what I had ‘already’ decided, and etcetera …. ? I think so. I had not included a burial (in my mind) in the big 3 no nos – which are politics, sex and religion – however, in retrospect, I see that in many ways this subject does belong there.
Click Here

Lastly - the URL below basically covers our family member’s wishes – for it turns out she wished the vast amount of money requried to be spent on her funeral – to be spent on her niece and family whom she adored. A fabulous decision I thought.

"The way Germany handles the dead has long been different, but changes are in the works.
Germany's methods of handling the dead have been out of step with those in the rest of the Western world. For generations, cremation and embalming were handled by the state, rather than by funeral homes; people have had no choice as to what to do with cremated remains (they had to buried in a cemetery); the private cemetery hardly exists; and many people choose an anonymous grave with no headstone (something that's found in Germany's European neighbors but virtually unknown in North America).

Changes are in the works, however, partly because laws are being harmonized with those of the European Union neighbors, and partly because many people want to rein in the exorbitant cost of a funeral and burial. It's a standing joke that "you can't afford to die."

And the costs can be staggering; up to €8,000. Expatriates might find themselves paying even more if they wish to ship the remains home for burial."
Click Here

my condolences -

but may I ask you why asking an anonymous crowd for advice if you could have (as you obviously did) picked up a phone and asked the relatives directly?

very unusual ceremony for my region indeed -

don;t just google around and think your findings apply to each and everyone - you will hardly find anonuymous gravestones outside large cities and cremation is not something normal in vast regions of hte soth ( no Catholic tradition)

To answer your question – relatives didn’t know what advice to offer as she had a Will. The Will of course was not available until various formalities such as death was proven and state notification was finalized - it was only then that we knew what was expected for her funeral.

In my shock of the moment and having what we thought as approx 8 hours to pack and find a flight out – querying on the LP forum was a natural as even with the multi board changes I have been on the TT for near 10 years. Through this time I have made many friends with whom I have visited and stay in contact. Granted I have been far too busy travelling in the last year, but I’m still about as many are aware.

As I visit Germany with inclusion of Icking at least every 2.5 years, and backpack a minimum of 2 months each year in 3rd world countries – I am familiar with living in varying customs. I also realize that data produced by GOOGLE can rarely be applied to every one or instance. Mind you, even children in grade school who have never travelled are taught this. Howvever, facts are facts. Burials in Germany are definitely changing.

I had never thought this post would end up being so spiteful nor so lengthy. I had thought it would be a max of perhaps 4 posts. Thus with all the interesting demands, accusations and innuendos – I thought to follow up and include everyone on how funerals are definitely changing in Germany. I know many have found this interesting.

I had never thought this post would end up being so spiteful nor so lengthy

Amen to that...it never ceases to baffle me why some of the posts around here become so contentious...surely if something is of no consequence to another TTer the rational thing to do would be move on to the next post rather than plough into a thread with fire and sword...

Cross posting here ....

Yesterday, arrived home from Icking.

The anonymous burial was within the cemetery - but in a separate grassy area, where multi others are buried anonymously.

When partner brought out his suit, family immediately thought I had not conveyed their E-Mail advising him to not wear a suit. They advised him to please keep his suit stowed saying he would feel ridiculous wearing it.

People wore simple dresses (flowered and plain), cardigans, coloured shirts, slacks of all colours, some wore light fleece toppers as it was sort of cool weather.

Not one person wore black clothing.

The funeral at home in Icking, was more of a celebration of life and loving remembrance - was informal in the extreme – very pleasant.

“A black suit, you need to get, due to the declaration of ** - surely not!”

As I said before, it seems this was an unsusual funeral and that it may have been the wish of the deceased to have a informal and relaxed gathering. I'm happy that you enjoyed it and that the suit issue was solved.

Just to defend the posters - including me - who claimed that a suit would be needed I'd like to express that could not foresee or guess that. A usual German funeral with many people from different ages still requires formal attire unless other instructions are given.

If you had asked what to wear to a funeral of a member of the German Hell's Angels my answer would have been different, too.