Marrying a Pakistani woman

Just slow it down, you sound like you haven't a clue what you're getting into -- which is neither good nor bad. You are asking good questions, but slow down. Go for a visit where you can meet them and they can meet you. Leave out the love-of-your-life nonsense, and just try to get along. You would be marrying into the family, so you might as well be evaluating them -- they'll certainly be evaluating you (and that's not necessarily a bad system).

So you're an islamic convert; well whatever. That may get you some cred -- assuming they are Muslims??? How much money do you have? Can you support her as she is accustomed? Can you support her brother coming to the US for school? How about the rest of her family? Can you support them coming to the US? These probably need answers.

Assuming they are middle class??? (She's on the Internet; What's her education?) -- They likely speak some residual British English. Do you speak any Urdu? How are you going to find a taxi to their place? Take the Pimsleur Urdu course now, at least that's a start.

Have you traveled outside the US? Travel somewhere, anywhere -- before going to Pakistan. What do you know about their history, their culture, their place in society -- Remember you're considering marrying into their family, and into their culture. Get the stars out of your eyes and do your homework.

What is their attitude towards you -- you should know the answers to that, before you even ask. -- much less even consider asking her father for marriage. What's their attitude towards her communicating with, much less marrying you? Have they already accepted this? Do you have any idea what you're walking into? Your feelings for her and her secret Internet feelings to you may have nothing to do with anything. You must clarify the family situation long before even "outing" yourself.

I don't mean to be negative, it could be just fine, even very good -- however, I would back-off, lower my expectations and simply try to get through a cross-cultural visit, keeping my head as clear as possible, and starting from the beginning, presenting myself as a quality-guest as best I can for acceptance by her family -- as otherwise it could be an embarrassing mess or worse.

And whenever traveling in different cultures and countries, always stay very alert, always having a viable "Plan-B." This is way more complex than negotiating the purchase of a car, or interviewing for employment. Sorry for the rant; I'll leave your questions for others.

Hi pistol-pete,

You say you're convinced this woman is for you and that's a decision for you to make but I got to ask: have you actually met her personally or only through the internet? I would strongly suggest meeting in person before you make any move of binding marriage. (This has nothing to do with her or your country of origin.)

As for her family/culture rejecting you, it is a very circumstantial and personal thing. Just because many Pakistanis are suspicious of USA's motives (what with drone strikes and all) does not necessarily mean that all Pakistanis are anti-American. That you met her online to me indicates that your love-interest maybe herself quite westernized and obviously educated, which should imply that cultural differences between her and you may not be all that great. This is purely speculation though. There have been plenty of cross-cultural marriages between Pakistanis/Indians and westerners that work out beautifully despite deep cultural differences, right?

The cultural differences between the US and Pakistan are too great to summarize here.

I can't comment on Americans visiting Pakistan and I'll leave that to the Pakistani members of the forum, but I'd strongly advise you meet with her and her family personally before taking a big step. Is it possible for you and her (with her family if both of you want) to meet in a more neutral location? Maybe Dubai? Would that work?

Just thinking aloud.

best of luck

Edited by: insouciantguru

Are you sure you are going about this the right way, I am pretty sure I would not join thorntree for the specific purpose of resolving issues about marriage and culture. I think my first port of call would be to involve myself in soem way in the local pakistani community in your own country and do a little research through those contacts.

Thank you all for your honest responses, I'm not looking for kindness or support, just genuine answers. Let me fill in some more details for you to consider:

• She comes from an upper class family, she has a graduate degree and speaks English fluently, as do all of her family members. I have spoken to her many times (at least 50) and I know what she looks like (facebook). Obviously she is very well educated and comes from a more westernized background. All of her family has visited the U.S. before, and I have even spoken with her sister who resides here. I know all about her family, what they do, education, personalities, etc. She has shared every single detail with me, and I have verified some of them on my own (google), so I am quite comfortable with who they are.

• I also come from a similar background, my family is well off and I currently have a pretty good job in the united states and will be enrolling in a graduate program within the next year. I have told her every detail about my own family, and even spoken to them about her. They approve of her despite the cultural differences, but are worried about me traveling to Pakistan. That is my primary concern at this point.

Now, this isn't some 'love at first sight' mumbo-jumbo. I have carefully collected information about her life, family, personality, culture, career, etc. over the past few months and have spoken to no less than 12 people about this decision. My number one concern right now is traveling safely to Pakistan and making a good impression on her family, that is primarily why I came here. I just want to make sure that this decision is as well thought out as possible, for both her and I.

Well, you could always meet in a more neutral location such as Dubai first and put off your trip to Pakistan for later?

hi pete,

usually i wouldnt do this but shoot me an email on omairsaeed@hotmail.com and i will try to help you with all your travel arrangements here..... its just that you should not be at the wrong place at the wrong time..... your a brother in faith and hence will have to help u.....

Kudos for an xcellent response #1..

There're already some very appropriate responses to you're general situation, so I'll just comment on some of the more specific questions.

You seem concerned about visiting Pakistan, but you haven't told us where in Pakistan you intend to visit. Are we talking rural Balochistan, a medium sized city in Sindh, Lahore, Peshawar?

Get a tourist visa for your visit. Going to the embassy and asking about marriage proposal visas would be a little out of ordinary to say the least.

Pakistanis are generally very welcoming and hospitable people. Many do not like the US Government's foreign policies, but that doesn't mean they dislike Americans, and unsurprisingly,they know how it feels to be stereotyped as a people because of governmental policies and the media. I'm American, have been visiting Pakistan (all over) somewhat frequently for the past few years, and have never felt threatened. Most Pakistanis will be thrilled that you're muslim.

One of the best ways to prepare yourself for cultural differences you might experience should you decide to travel to Pakistan would be to learn as much about Pakistan as you can before leaving. No one on this forum will be able or willing to fully answer this general of a question for you. Guide books often give good advice on how to avoid faux pas and basic cultural norms. You might also want to consider more in-depth research regarding specific ethnic and/or political groups

Like everybody else said, visiting first might not be such a bad idea.

And last but not least, maybe you should just ask her all of these questions. It seems to me that to find the best way for you to ask her father and to make sure you're both safe, is simply to do what she tells you. After all, you're the one who's about to spend the rest of your life with a Pakistani. You should be the one telling us about the culture.

I'm wondering just how much you actually know about Islam, and about your motivations for converting.

You don't need a visa 'for marriage purposes'. It's not a cash-and-carry shopping trip. You're not going to meet this woman and marry her in the same week. You've created a fantasy about this entire situation -- you seem to think it's all about you marching up to her father and demanding he consent to your acquisition of his daughter.

But she is an educated, upper-class woman, not a tribal person available to the highest bidder. She will tell you what she expects and how to proceed. That is, if she decides that there are any longer term prospects. You should plan to respect her views on the matter, however things turn out, and not behave in the manner of an obsessed stalker (which is how you've portrayed yourself here).

Apply for a tourist from the relevant consulate in the US. Submit the usual, safe, predictable tourist itinerary -- Lahore, Islamabad, Taxila (but not Gilgit-Baltistan, sadly). Meet her, get to know each other, then together decide what to do. That is the only 'major obstacle'.