Holy Land Experience

Lonely Planet review

Did you ever wonder where Rod and Todd Flanders spent their vacation while the Simpson family, through a series of hilarious mishaps, ends up performing at Gay Day in the Magic Kingdom?

They came to Holy Land Experience, Orlando's only Christian theme park, and the only theme park with a mission (other than to take your money and to keep you coming back for more) - it's focused on showing Jews that Jesus Christ was indeed the son of God, and to explain why Christianity may be better for them. The publication and website for the organization Zion's Hope ( www.zionshope.com ) will spell it out for you.

The park is designed to look like Jerusalem c AD 33, and staff wear flowing Bedouin robes and hawk Middle Eastern food treats such as mint tea, tabbouleh and falafel, as well as Goliath burgers and fries, and chicken fajitas (not sure about that one). Even more prevalent are the shops selling Holy Land Experience gear and Christian and Jerusalem-themed tchotchkes - everything from carved wooden camels to Jesus-fish neckties. There aren't any rides, despite obvious Old Testament candidates like the Parting of the Red Sea.

You have to be really interested in biblical history or very devout to enjoy this. Otherwise, it's as boring as spending a day in church. If you're going for the novelty and to ogle, that wears off quickly and isn't worth the admission.

Gospel choirs come from all over the southeast to perform here, and there's a daily musical performed at the six-story, blindingly white Plaza of the Nations.

The Jerusalem Model AD 66 is an impressive scale model of ancient Jerusalem, blending history, archaeology and New Testament tales in a somewhat dry but educational way.

The Theater of Life has continuous showings of The Seed of Promise , a 25-minute film that's about - well, it's not really clear what the through-line is on this one, but Abraham's near-sacrifice of Isaac is particularly moving. Also featured are Adam and a deferential, blonde and bodacious Eve running (discreetly) naked through the Garden of Eden's foliage, with God yelling after them 'Where are you, Adam?'! For a minute, you might feel like you're watching one of the Friday the 13th movies. At the end is the crucifixion of Christ, followed by a scene where people of all races and professions stand agog and teary-eyed, looking at what must be the Second Coming.

The Wilderness Tabernacle takes you back 3400 years to see the nine different ways Aaron (Moses' older brother) sacrificed sheep to God, complete with a light-and-sound spectacular reminiscent of the last scene in the Raiders of the Lost Ark . Although that part only lasts a few seconds and doesn't show any melting faces or angry spirits, this could scare young ones just a bit.

The Scriptorium is a 55-minute tour of biblical antiquities such as Babylonian tablets that are more than 4000 years old, ancient Egyptian scrolls, and an exact replica of the Gutenberg Press. To get you juiced and amped and in the mood, there are monitors so you can try your hand at some serious Bible trivia (eg 'Which Biblical woman lived to be 127 years old - Eve, Sarah or Ruth?').

Rules, as you might imagine, are strict: dress conservatively and don't smoke. Anyone yelling about evolution, gay rights or abortion will be politely escorted to the parking lot. You can rent strollers and arrange tours for the deaf and blind in advance. Parking costs extra.

Oh, and make sure to anoint yourself aplenty with sunscreen - some of the shows have uncovered seating, and no amount of faith will save you from a Florida sunburn.

To get to Holy Land Experience, follow the signs from the I-4 exit 78; it's at the corner of Conroy and Vineland Rds.