Bathing Naked with Russians

Article by: Dean Starnes, June 2007

Moscow's Sandunovskiye Baths seemed harmless enough. There was something vaguely Victorian about the changing rooms, as if I had wandered into a charmingly old-world gentleman's club. Indeed the only thing to suggest that I hadn't was that all the men were naked.

After what may have been as long as three seconds I crawled towards the door only to find it barred by a large bear of a man who grunted 'Minimum five minutes'.

Once I had collected my sheet (which passes for a towel in these parts) and stripped naked in an unnecessarily large and public room, I headed straight for the parilka (sauna). The word ‘hot' doesn't begin to describe the temperature they manage to crank this thing up to. The roof of my mouth started to sweat and my lungs began to burn. I tried to sit on one of the lower cedar benches but only succeeded in burning my buttocks. After what may have been as long as three seconds I crawled towards the door only to find it barred by a large bear of a man who grunted 'Minimum five minutes'. One kind soul even asked if I wanted it hotter. There must have been some kind of cross-cultural misunderstanding because despite my vigorous head shaking, a large ladle of water was poured onto the furnace, resulting in a blast of face-melting heat.

Russians like to belt each other with venik (birch sticks) while they bathe. I just assumed that the birch branches were included in the admission price. This is not the case. The branches are usually sold separately on the street outside and, depending on the freshness of the leaves, may require soaking in carefully heated water to bring them to their optimal, back-slapping best. It's fair to say that should you unwittingly steal someone else's pre-soaked birch branch, the atmosphere gets a bit tense.

The only thing worse (or better, depending on your personal proclivities) about beating yourself with a Christmas tree is having someone else do it. The moment I felt that first light brush of another's branch on my buttock I was like a terrorised deer - transfixed in headlights and unable to move. I later learnt that these soft touches are a way to fan the heat evenly over the body. Despite my earlier transgressions the locals were essentially being polite and showing me how better to appreciate the banya. They then proceeded to thrash me.

Russians believe that there are many health benefits to being beaten, notably an improved circulatory system and an invigorated heart. I don't know if anyone has ever said you haven't really lived until you've been flogged by a naked Russian, but I'm saying it now. Once you get over the alienating culture shock it's quite relaxing. Sure, it hurts like hell but the rush of blood to your skin, the tingling body-wide sensation and the extreme heat makes every muscle in your body instantly melt to jelly.

For many Russians the weekly banya visit has become an integral part of their lives: a time to catch up with friends, share stories and escape the gruelling winters.

It's customary to have more than one crack at the banya and bathers alternate between steaming in the sauna and plunging into an ice cold, heart-stopping plunge pool (basseyn). I dived in with a bar of soap. As it turns out you can't take soap into the plunge pool. Nor is the soap complementary - you should bring your own. Again, things got a little tense there for a while.

For many Russians the weekly banya visit has become an integral part of their lives: a time to catch up with friends, share stories and escape the gruelling winters. There are even unisex banyas that have the added benefit of allowing couples to beat the hell out of each other.

Banyas can be found throughout Russia and in all the former Soviet states. I hear they even have them in New York. Like all age-old traditions there is quite an etiquette surrounding them and while I'm no expert, I can say with some confidence that should you inadvertently steal someone's soap or birch branch, you'll be in for some pretty steely glares.

Otherwise, lyokogo para (may your steam be easy).