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I just realized how much the word Rome triggers a hatred in my head for Jim Rome.

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Robberies, pizzas, Chelsea mugs, attempted robberies, train station dashes and a beautiful, beautiful city: Rome was a perfect way to springboard our two week Mediterranean vacation.

After days of preparation, two days without sleep and twelve hours of traveling, we arrived in Rome around noon on July 15th, 2009. Exhausted, hungry and sick of sitting on an airplane, we were buzzing enough to get out to the really ancient city to take a tour of the Roman Coliseum. It was colossal. Ha! But seriously, I wish I had the vocabulary to properly describe its magnificence. Leaving the plethora of rich history to the side, the coliseum stood majestically as a testament to the power of the human mind. To think that nearly two centuries ago, men sat around a table and engineered this monster is mind-blowing. I can just hear Marcus Augustus saying to his co-workers, “Okay, so I’ve got this idea…(fifteen minutes later) Yeah, just going at it. Antony, you still have that tiger you conned out of that African woman, right? Yeah, we’ll throw that thing in the ring with those Christians we locked up yesterday and just see what happens. Don’t worry, you’ll be too shitfaced to feel an inch of guilt.” Throughout our wanderings in the ancient city, my brother and I found ourselves imagining along those lines quite often. Its not that hard to get carried away with such fantasies: the city truly harbors an aurora of imagination that permeates your mind and takes you to some castle in the sky of your thoughts.

After soaking up the blaring heat of a Roman summer day, we wandered into a nearby café for a moment of refreshing solace. Time to test the Rosetta Stone. I’ve been studying Italian with Rosetta Stone since January and after completing two and half levels of their interactive computer program, I was anxious to see the results. The waitress addressed us in Italian and I was able to guide us through the afternoon café experience. After our drinks were finished, I started a small conversation with the waitress about working in Italy as a cameriere (waiter) and she understood me pretty well. The only problem was that I only understood 50 percent of what she said back to me. Naturally, I smiled and said grazie, paid the bill quickly and left.

Conscience: “Blah blah blah Craig, why don’t you shut the fuck up? Are you seriously going to elaborate on every hour of your vacation? Give me a fucking break.”

Okay… So Rome was really awesome. All of the sights were beautiful and thought provoking. In the three days we had there we toured Rome’s endless list of monuments, ruins, notable edifices, and museums while maintaining a relaxing balance of good humor in the city’s cafes and piazzas. The checklist for Rome is so extensive that you would need weeks there to do everything. However, for anyone making a trip to Rome, I would insist upon a visit to Trastevere, a cozy neighborhood across the river Tiber close to the ancient city. It’s a nice break from the hustle of modern Rome. The streets are a bit quieter, the food is more affordable and the atmosphere is less “disneyfied.” Go in the evening for a few drinks and dinner: you won’t regret it.

Trastevere

Trastevere also

A few things that cannot go unmentioned about Rome:

1. We were in the St. Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican one morning, admiring the precious frescoes and sculptures when I noticed that some little piece of shit kid was wearing his hat inside the basilica. I’m thinking to myself, “who does this kid think he is… wearing a hat in the Vatican, where are his parents?” At that moment, the kid turns around, and I notice that he’s wearing nothing else but a Chelsea Football Club hat. I giggle inside my head, feel sadistically satisfied, and immediately grab my brother… that’s another hysterical note: my brother in the Vatican, there was a good five minutes of our visit where he was explaining this idea to me: to have a gigantic party inside of the basilica, a keg of beer in every chapel, open bars all around, 11 on 11 pickup soccer in an open area, five dollars at the door, everyone’s invited. After hearing him out, I have to admit that it’s not such a bad idea. If you ever visit, just donate 30 seconds of your thought to it. If you’re sitting at home right now, frowning at your computer, take a look at the picture below and use your imagination for a second… it would be pretty sweet ….. anyway, he gets a kick out of it, and our focus shifts to getting a picture of this little devil wearing the hat in the Vatican. Here’s what we got:

typical...

Sorry about the quality of the picture… we were trying to maintain a little bit of respect while this little guy was giving god the cold shoulder. No, but seriously, what are the odds that on the day we, Joseph and I—Chelsea haters, visit the Vatican, this Chelsea fan is being disrespectful in one of the world’s holiest places: It’s like divine intervention. I left the Vatican that day a devout Catholic.

2. How to get robbed in Rome

a. Keep all your money in a Bank of America envelope.

b. Before getting on the bus, take the envelope out to count the correct amount for the fare.

c. Get on crowded rush hour bus.

This will result in a sketchy man asking you if you would like a seat when there is no seat available, and when you get off of the bus, you will notice that your pocketbook is unzipped: You’ve just been robbed.

Good idea for the future: Bring an old wallet and a healthy pile of monopoly money with you to Rome (write “fuck off” on the money if you’re feeling really spiteful). Put the said ingredients in your back pocket, leaving about 30 percent of the wallet hanging out of your pocket. Walk around the city and take buses until you feel the wallet has gone missing from your pocket. Feel good about yourself.

..but yeah, Rome is a classic city that should not be left off of any Italian vacation itinerary. Keep your purses close to your chest, balance sightseeing with relaxation, keep an open mind and I’m sure you’ll stumble upon treasured experience for yourself.

Imagine all the people...