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I’m on the Lake Shore Limited line (which will add another 2 or 3 states to the list) now and in a little under 12 hours I’ll be in Buffalo, a veritable tiddler compared to some of my previous conquests.

The woman sat in front of me looks like Charlize Theron. Yippedy a do dah day I hear you bellow, but Charlze Theron circa filming ‘Monster’. She also sounds and acts like her too. Yep, there are some scary motherflippers on this here continent.

It’s half midnight and I’m just passing the time before I attempt something resembling sleep by playing a Western game on my phone. It’s got little themed jokes throughout. Like, why couldn’t the pony talk? Answer to follow later.

I say resembling because this NYC bound train is different from the usual over nighters. It only has 1 deck which is fine. I’m not too pleased with the less leg room though, it’s going to be a long night.

Morning folks. 2 hours had tops, probably less. I actually found a semi- comfortable position by making use of my leg rest and the adjoining one together, but the air conditioning on these things is crazy, I was blinking freezing.

Customs are getting to be a pain in the arse. This is the 2nd time I’ve been checked without even being at a border I had to dig the green card thing right out the bottom of my bag. I think the guy in NY customs who dealt with me must have been a flipwit, for 2 reasons: he has signed me off on the green card for the end of July (I must be special as everyone else only gets 3 months) and instead of putting the date valid to on the passport stamp, he has put his initials (which is probably why I have to keep digging out the card). Next time they ask me if I’m an American citizen I’m just going to say “Yup, God bless”. Fool proof.

The “You look like The Beatles” count is easily in double figures now, mid 20s if I was to guess. I’m going to work on my Ringo – Thomas The Tank-Engine impression to use as a standard response. That’ll freak ‘em.

Brekkie was nice, Rice Krispies with a bottle of apple juice (said with a Woody Allen accent) and a big cup of ice. I’ve not had Rice Krispies in 14 years, not bad, I’m still a Ricecles man at heart though. Interestingly, Frosties don’t exist over here, they would be your Frosted Flakes.

In Buffalo now, off to find a park bench to kill 6 hours.

Ah, I’m not actually in Buffalo. I’m in Depew 12 miles away and the next bus is an hour off and apparently there’s not much in Buffalo anyway. So I’m off to walk the 2 miles to the mall to hang out with the other kids.

I’ve just crossed the border in to the town of Cheektowaga, it’s sounds exotic and romantic, it’s not. It’s like Dumplington, twinned with shithole in Belgium.

Crikey this bag is a pain, no lockers at the train station you see. Anyway, I’m in the mall now and I’m pretty much the only one who is. Am just benefiting from the free wifi from the Apple store while deciding which matinée show (not been to one of them in donkeys!) at the flicks. Terminator Salvation (poor reviews), Star Trek (good reviews) and Drag Me To Hell (Sam Raimi horror with decent reviews). Hmm, even though I’m not a Trekky I’m leaning towards that.

Speaking of Apple, the other day I went in to the Chicago store because the remote on my ear phones hasn’t been working. Impressively they just swapped them there and then with no palava or paperwork. Not so impressively it still didn’t work. So I went in to the one in the mall today and they gave me an appointment at the ‘Genius Bar’ (or some trendy marketing pap like that) for half an hour later. The bloke just poked an implement down the headphone jack and sprayed some compressed air down, fan dabby now. Quality customer service I have to say.

So Star Trek was a good choice, enthralling and invigorating from the off. Lots of sequels to follow I can imagine. That Spock is dead hard too.

Back on the train now, only for an hour or 2 though. There is a crazy old black guy wearing some sort of strange helmet and continually spraying air freshner while talking to himself. The only word I can make out is vampires. Nutters everywhere in this country I tell ya.

Right, I’m at Niagara now and have had a very brief look at the falls on route to the hostel. I’ll sign off for now though as this post is getting a daft size. Adiós.

PS Because he was a little horse. Dear oh dear, apologies for that. I just leave the coat permanently on now. Though my right trainer must have found it funny as it’s sides are splitting. Dear oh dear. Comedy gold.