- 8 October 2009
- 4:41pm
- Filed under
Shared Experiences, Thorn Tree, Traveller Tips
Relationship baggage
venessapaechLonely Planet author
Hitting the road with your partner can be a shock to the system in more ways than one.
The nature of your relationship (unmarried, mixed race or same-sex, for example) may invite attention or criticism in certain parts of the world where social and cultural norms differ.
You might modify your behaviour to avoid tension – hardly something you want to worry about when you’re trying to see the world and meet new people. Or you might end up surprised at the way other birds and bees do it.
Then there’s the relationship itself. Will it survive a road test? Our biking boffins discuss the subject here. Travellers heading Round the World on Thorn Tree think a prolonged trip is crucial to see if you’ve got staying power (but it can be painful if you don’t, and you realise early into a long vacation).
Sometimes it’s tough to navigate. You’re not always yourself when you travel. Getting to know someone by peeling off layers is hard if you’re busy packing extras.
If your partner’s travel rhythm or desire doesn’t match your own, you can always leave them at home. Several members of our Women Travellers community think you shouldn’t be joined at the hip, but you have to be careful about the length of time you’re apart. And beware those holiday flings…
Tell us your travel tales of love, lust and coupling. Did travelling tighten your knit, or tear yours apart? Any advice for lovers keen to fly the coop with their paramour?
I tend to think happy travelling partnerships share a lot in common with good sex; compatible rhythms, knowing what does it for you and where your boundaries are. What about you?
[Photos: Steve Punter, huipiiing]
Don’t do – Don’t travel for long periods of time with your significant other. It’s a trap!!
No. They should arrange their emotions and learn to love themselves first. Or else it could be very frustrating for you.
only do it if you really know the person…. but it might just turn out that you don’t know the person and that’s when it all starts to go down hill.
my now ex-bf realized what he really wanted in life on the other side of the freakin world ! of course it cost ME 4,000 dollars and a broken heart, in order for him to be ….happy? and find himself
anyways from now on i either travel by myself…. or once i’m married.
i love my boyfriend very much and i don’t want to break up. he doesn’t share my passion for travel so he is not ready to get up and leave with me since he wants to finish school, that’s his priority. can we survive me leaving for a 8-10 month RTW trip? is this selfish of me to leave and expect him to wait?
I don’t even want to think about it …
TRAVELLING IS SPOSE TO BE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE,AND NO ONE IS THEIR COMPLETE SELF IN FRONT OF THEIR PARTNER,EVERYONE HIDES A SMALL PART OF THEMSELVES,CHOOSE BEFORE YOU GO, HOW MUCH YOU ARE HIDING AND DO YOU WANT THE TIFFS AND SHIT WHILE YOUR AWAY.
I think it’s a wonderful idea to go on a trip with your boyfriend as long as it’s somewhere where you both agree to go visit and it’s not too long. I think it could help strengthen the relationship. I t could also could give you alone time without people bothering you.
I actually met my boyfriend while travelling so I at least know that we are pretty compatible when it comes to that.
I would not recommend travelling with anyone other than your husband/wife. My husband and I travelled to the U.K in 2007 with very old friends (45) years. Something upset the guy and he left us in Scotland without any explanation, we are no longer friends and still wonder what went so wrong we couldn’t talk about it and try to sort it out.
We are very upset to have lost such a long standing friendship.
We have decided that the only way to travel is just the 2 of us, even when we disagree, it’s not permanent, well at least it hasn’t been so far, and we have travelled a lot together.
My ex-boyfriend and I spent two months in Europe, ending with our 5 year anniversary in Paris. Mid-way through, on a 9-day Contiki tour, he realised that he wasn’t ready to settle down with one person yet. We finished the holiday together, but broke up soon after we arrived home. Would I do it again? Definately. People say that long trips will either make or break a couple. I think that if you are with the right person, you should be able to make it through anything, especially long holidays!
I travelled with my girlfriend of 3-years (at the time) for 1-year around Europe. Then we recently did 3-months in South America. Now been together 6-years. I felt that travelling together is a good test of your relationship. There are many decisions to be made and with differing ideas and thoughts, they can often be damn hard. We pulled through, and I think we both learned how to mediate disagreements.
She is in the US now, and I actually think it’s more ‘dangerous’ (to the relationship) when one is travelling and one isn’t. She goes out drinking and stuff, and could make a mistake. And I could too.
Overall I recommend anyone in a relationship to go travelling together! You share awesome experiences, scary moments, out-of-your-comfort-zone experiences, etc and you can both share and laugh about the memories later on.
There is no rule “yes, it will work” or “no, keep away from it”: it really depends on the kinds of travelers the two people are, and if these styles mesh. Some discussion beforehand is advisable and may clear this up, if the two are honest and open about their tastes, but in general the only way to know is to try it, and be ready to part travel ways if it doesn’t mesh — which doesn’t mean one has to part ways altogether.
Ab-so-freakin-lutely THINK seriously about it before you head off thinking it’s all going to be amazing… whatever issues you’ve got going on at home will just be magnified…
if you can figure out which one loves maps and which one has not care for directions… first.. this might help… find out what are your strengths. and what things will freak you out. if you can both go with the flow and be grateful for the opportunity then the whole world is open to a great time.
A key part of it is knowing yourself, knowing how ‘you’ like to travel and not being blind to the fact it may differ to other people. My partner and I went on a 6 week trip to Egypt only together (no tour group to hide in) only months after getting together. We are both avid travellers and knew that this may work for or against us, we even (seriously) discussed that if it didn’t work that we were confident the other would safely find their separate way home.
As a senior I both pity and envy you young people wondering about travelling together. My wife and I left it until our son left home in 1994. We then sold our home and wandered the World for 10 years. Twice aroung Oz in a little camper, 6 month job in rural Myanmar, all over southern Africa with occassional professional assignments. Still love each other and still love travel.
Safari nJema
My husband never travelled far before and this is going to be our first vacation together (honeymoon), I’m the one that organized everything and he is just tagging along, he doesn’t mind, he doesn’t even want to know what’s gonna be out there until he gets there and I like to have verything under control so for now it’s working… we’ll see how it will go once we get there…
I traveled for 3 months with a close friend of the opposite sex and it was horrible! Lots of fights, lots of different ideas and not a pleasant experience. I think that no matter you travel with, you need to be compatible but also flexible. Work out what you want to do, and places you want to see before you leave home, because fights over maps in Lisbon isn’t recommended! I’m traveling by myself on the next trip!
Travel together can be high risk for some and perfect for others. Apart from luck and chemistry and common travel interests, I think it depends upon how you deal with difference. Travel is 24/7 together, much more than normal life even living together. I travel with my partner but we talk before we go about how to handle different interests (what to do, where to go) and try to make sure we have some time apart and not to be offended if the other person wants to travel for several days to a city that doesn’t interest you or to befriend people who are not for you.
I will be travelling for a year with my husband in December. I can’t imagine wanting to do this with anyone else. He’s my soul mate and it’s a dream we have both shared. We are like-minded and understand that at times we will want our personal space and that we will argue but we also know that it will be a great experience as well. The two rules we always live by is to be honest with each other and to say something if there is something bothering one of us. We can then sort things out before it becomes a huge problem/issue.
I travelled RTW for 14 months with my then boyfriend.We wouldnt have been the types of people to be joint at the hip at that stage and despite being together for 3 years at that stage hadnt spent very much time together.Travelling together is difficult, often spending months with just us – no family no friends, no time apart hardly at all like you would be if both at work. But I knew after a few months that this was it for us for life, he was truly my best friend and who I could be absolutely myself with 24 hours a day. This time spent travelling for us cemented our relationship forever, he’s now my fiance – and after 13 years together are getting married next year.and we’ll make the memories we have from that wonderful trip away a big part of it.One of us though is definately the “planner” and the one stuck in the maps and one was quite happy to just follow along so that helped.
I dont think that travelling together for a long vacation is for every couple… but for some its great. I have been travelling with my boyfriend for 13 months. We lived together for a while before we started travelling so already knew what things might irritate us about each other, and how we could handle these!
I think the most important thing is to be honest with each other about what you do and dont want to do, be flexible on the way, and be happy to spend some time apart (hours or days) if you want to see different sights.
We have also managed to develop unspoken roles after the first few trips… I am the organised one who makes sure we have all the documents and are at train/planes on time.. he is the chef who makes sure we are well fed and watered at all times!
Sure you will have little bickers and fights along the way, but we say better get the little frustrations out then let them build up to a big explosion!!!!
Go for it
Wow, such a huge topic — as many different answers as there are people. Mindboggling!
So here’s a concrete tip: always bring along snacks & drinks for your partner, pack them in your day bag each day. A small gesture, yes — but gestures are important, and hunger leads to crabbiness leads to stupid fights. This worked with several girlfriends, and it works with my wife. Works with me too!
Myself and my still partner travelled through Asia twice during the eighties drugging and drinking all the way through our 6 month trip each time.It was hard going sometimes through hangovers and withdrawals but because of our love of getting right out of our minds in a place far from home we pulled throu and are clean and sober today.(except for pain meds and weed)So what i am trying to say, what am i trying to say? oh ya, you got to have the same interest to spend 24 hours of the day together in a place far and away from the local pub.
After nine years together and a number of les-than-a-month trips together, and waiting impatiently for the kid to be out of the house, we took off for a year of travel. We’d worked out a lot of our travel kinks on the short trips, divided tasks according to mood and character, and set out for a place neither of us had ever been. It was great for our relationship, and a great trip. Now we can’t stop travelling, and take off whenever we have enough money to go. As a matter of fact, we seem to get on better with the cares and pressures of work and “real life” left far behind at home. I 100% agree with one of the comments above – always have snacks and enough water with you! And I’d add – get enough sleep before a long bus ride. Nothing creates argument-inducing tension more than grumpy-tired-hungry.
My husband and I met travelling in northern California in 1984 and spent two more months experiencing the Pacific Northwest together. In 1986 we went to Alaska, BC and the Yukon for six months.
In 1988 we left on a trip that took us around the world and to 17 different countries in Asia, Africa, Europe and the Middle East. We returned to the USA nearly two years later when we were almost out of money.
Since then we’ve spent travelled to Mexico, South America, the Caribbean and all over the USA.
We’ve been together for 25 years and married for 21 and together we’ve ridden camels in the Thar desert, carried backpacks over 18,000 foot Himalayan passes, stood face to face with black bears in the Yukon, watched the sun rise at the Taj Mahal, snorkelled in turquoise waters off remote Phillippine islands, meditated with saffron robed monks and so much more. I can’t imagine travelling or sharing these experiences with anyone else other than my beloved.
I think it helps that we met while travelling but I also think it is about the greater relationship and how we go through life together – interested in experiencing the world and its people and interested in our own individual growth as well as supporting each other.
We don’t have much money or material wealth but we have a lifetime of experiences together.
My wife and I have been married for just over 38 years, and always travel together – from a few days to a few months. One of the great advantages of that is the time we spend discussing where we would like to go, and how, from backpacking to five star. I don’t know how many trips, but an average of more than one a year.
The wonderful thing about this is the library of common memories that we often draw upon.
One of our recent excursions was a four-month circumnavigation of Australia in a rented van. The camper van was a concession to something I had always wanted to try – and similar to how we travel at home in Canada. It worked so well that my wife suggested that we rent a van “next time”.
You do have to make accommodations. For example, my wife is a lousy navigator, so we bought a GPS before a driving holiday in Portugal. As this was over three years ago, the GPS cost far more than they do now, but was worth every nickel! It may have saved our marriage.
My girlfriend at the time and I spent three months in South America together, I was there for two months before she got there, before getting a job teaching in South Korea. We flew from Chile to Seoul and lived and worked together for a year in Korea. After we finished our contract we flew to India for two months. While in India I got giardia which comes with uncontrollable bodily evacuations from both ends, delirium, and a temperature of 101 for three days straight. We were stuck at some tiny little whistle stop on the rail line for those three days before I could even get out of bed. When we finally made it to Delhi she ended up getting Delhi belly and we had to fight over who go to use the toilet and who had to crouch in the shower stall.
Since that trip we have been together for nine years and just got married last year.
My point is, if you have any questions about a relationship, go travel together. It can be a make or break situation. If you can make it through the trial of the road and can work together toward a solution to a problem, you have a decent chance of staying together as a couple. In my humble opinion.
Why is it that most of the comments here say “I am the organized one” (woman speaking)… HE is happy to just to follow along. If traveling speaks of how relationships are faring these days, what’s up with you men? What happened to the explorer males in the world? Geeeeez.
I’m all for trying it–again! I agree that it’s a make it or break it deal. When I did it we broke up half way through the trip. I thought it was over, but when I returned to the beach area in another area 12 hours away, guess who was there…with the waitress that I had asked advice about our relationship! It’s a learning experience. I know travel is important to me so why not see how a new person and me would get along?
It’s a relationship definer.
I met my then-boyfriend in Sydney, and we spent three months travelling around Southeast Asia.
Amazingly, in that time he managed to morph from a thoughtful, cute, philosophical guy into a whinging, panicky, idealistic hypochondriac. All in the space of a few months! We still had a pretty amazing time – compromise is good – but by the time we arrived in the UK (his home country) I knew it was over.
On the upside, it took me three months to realise what it takes some people years – that he wasn’t the right guy. If he had been, it would have worked.
When on the road with your honey, allow some time to pursue your own interests and do not spend all of your
travel time joined at the hip. Allow each other a reasonable amount of privacy too for checking emails and such. One week on the road with my honey is enough
for me. Anything beyond that is a bit too much.
I got married late in life, after traveling for many years, either alone or with a friend. My travel buddy (male) was just like me; he loved adventure, and just winging it. My biggest mistake was in not realizing that my wife would not be the same way. My advice would be to reach some kind of compromise (for me, that meant booking some things ahead of time, staying in descent accommodation, etc.) After doing that, she actually turned out to be quite an adventurer. The main thing, I think, is to not treat your partner as someone who is just along for the ride. Traveling together can make for some really good memories in the years ahead.
As a single man, I found I prefer traveling alone. I’ve traveled with groups before and always there is someone with personal issues. Sorry, I’ve no training in psychiatric counseling!
When I travel solo, I can come and go at my own pace not concerning myself in keeping up with others or them keeping up with me. Vacation is a time to get away from family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. to clear and free you mind for awhile. If it sounds selfish – it is! (smiling) – Everyone needs time to themselves once in a while.
I first travelled overseas with my now-fiance about ten months into our relationship. I only lost my temper once – him, not at all. We love history and archaeology so really enjoyed checking out museums and historical sites together. That being said, I’ve travelled with ex boyfriends as well – those times were complete disasters. I would agree with the above comments that if there are problems at home then these will be magnified when travelling.
I don’t think it matters how long or how little you’ve dated someone before travelling with them. If you’re compatible and good at communicating with each other, it’ll be a great experience.
The first rule is to accept the old maxim: As the man, you are automatically wrong.
Personally I hated it.
I spent the whole time trying to avoid setting off the next tantrum, couldn’t enjoy a minute of it.
Whenever something doesn’t go 100% according to plan (OMG the bus is 15 minutes late! OMG There are mosquitoes in Asia!) it is your fault.
Flexibility on the road? Whats that?
When you try to find out what she wants? You’re not ‘leading’ or being a man.
No matter what you do you’re screwed.
Plus you always end up spending less time doing the ‘travel’ side of things.
The biggest advantage of being on your own is that you are in fact, never alone for very long.
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