Make or break: travelling as a couple

Mar 21, 2012 12:28:39 AM

Leif Pettersen
Lonely Planet Author

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Travelling as a couple can present unique challenges (and advantages) on top of the exhilaration and standard stress that accompanies long-term travel. Will it make or break the relationship? What happens when one person wants to go to the Full Moon Party and the other wants to jungle trek?

Like solo travelers, couples have various travel planning, doubts and logistics to negotiate. But there are also a few, singular pre-trip myths that couples must confront, like ‘that we’d kill each other,’ according to Adam and Megan Seper, who spent a year on the road, visiting 11 countries and writing their World Travel for Couples blog. ‘Most of our friends and family had that concern,’ said Adam. ‘They really thought spending 24 hours a day together for a year would do us in, but we were totally fine.’

Former corporate consultants Ryan and Jen Fuller, rather than hopping continents, spent six enviable months travelling and living in Argentina and Chile. The biggest myth they busted, they said, was that it’s hard to quit your job and travel. ‘So many people focus only on the challenges and risks associated with it. Turns out, it’s actually quite easy. You just quit and go.’ And the primary source of stress? ‘The biggest stresses we had were things like “which cafe should we go to today?” and “malbec or syrah?”‘

In most areas, travelling as a couple has notable advantages, the biggest often being budget. In many destinations a double room is the same price or only slightly more expensive than a single. You can also share dishes, as the Fullers often did while exploring the extravagantly meaty Argentinean food.

Then there are the intangible advantages. ‘Honestly, my wife and I just really love to hang out,’ Adam Seper reports. ‘And when on a long-term trip, you do a lot of hanging out, on buses and trains, in hostels and parks, in restaurants and bars.’

Image by faungg

The Sepers also routinely employed the ‘divide and conquer’ approach to their travels, where they could split duties, allowing the person with, say, organisational strength to handle planning itineraries and booking rooms (Adam) and the person with bargaining skills to haggle over tuk-tuk fares or purchases at the market (Megan).

‘Get ready to find out the worst of your partner,’ say Two Backpackers (aka the soon-to-be-married Jason Castellani and Aracely Santos), who travelled Central and South America for 11 months, posting travel videos along the way. ‘Will they whimper when sore, complain when challenged or blame you in despair?’ They also note that any lingering privacy you might have had around your partner will be gone. ‘Got traveller’s diarrhoea? Loud noises and stinky stools in a crowded hostel are inevitable.’

‘The primary advantage travelling as a couple is that you are with someone that connects with home,’ Two Backpackers adds. ‘It makes you less homesick during long-term travels.’

Like the Sepers, Two Backpackers also worked as a conditioned team while travelling, sometimes playing bad cop, good cop. ‘This can help when negotiating a cab fare or tour. One continues to walk away disgusted by the offer, while the other begs the service person to come down on the price or offer more. Don’t feel bad about negotiations, tourists are usually being overcharged.’

Jason and Aracely’s last bit of advice for couples is to embrace the freedoms. ‘When people travel they are much more likely to experiment – hence travel tattoos and hallucination stories.’

This article was updated in February 2012.

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Comments

6 October 2010 5:22AM globetrots Report this comment
My then-girlfriend and I traveled around the world for a year. It was the greatest test possible and we got married afterwards. Now we've now been married for 14 years. It's tough sometimes as we don't travel in the same way (she loves detailed maps, I love wandering around aimlessly, for a start), but we keep doing it and having fun together.
6 October 2010 7:52PM cmmilty Report this comment
We traveled for 13 months to 17 countries and at times were surprised to see how challenging it really was and it wasn't until we talked to other long term couples that we found out, it's pretty normal to want to strangle each other from time to time. Check out a post I wrote about the dirty little secrets of long term travel http://www.bertandpatty.com/?p=1288
7 October 2010 9:21AM overlander Report this comment
Everyone wants to be part of a great relationship. Well, almost everybody.
The disfunctional aside, the ideal... no, the ultimate... mate has characteristics that the other person admires. And visa-versa. They actually WANT to be together. They rub off on one another.
To find that person who is the perfect fit, that person who you crave more than chocolate or beer, and then to purposely put yourself in a situation where you spend the grand-total of thirty-minutes with them each evening jointly mesmerized by the television.... is utter insanity.
Traveling together with that person can be insanity too. But it's the good kind of nuts. The kind where you begin looking like one another and finishing each other's sentences.
Call me crazy, but I'll take that over a solo trip to Antarctica any day.
8 October 2010 10:57PM leahmaria Report this comment
I can never understand why people wouldn't want to travel with their partner. I love my husband and love spending time with him. We spend most of our time together anyway when we're not at work (and when we worked for the same organisation - different departments - we'd have lunch together too). In fact because we didn't live together before we got married people thought we were mad, saying things like "how do you know how you'll get along when you have to be around each other ALL THE TIME?" We already spent most of our time together anyway. Being married wasn't much different, and travelling together isn't either. We both enjoy similar things, and the different things we can compromise on. Yes, there are times we might want to strangle each other. But we have those times at home too!
I completely agree with overlander's comment.
9 October 2010 2:42AM mari_cb Report this comment
The first time my now-husband and I travelled together was for 5 days to München, Germany. We were not dating officially yet but it really made us realise that we were 24-hour-partners! We loved every minute of it. And about the comment of "it can make or break the relationship", well that trip made our relationship and broke the one he had before! He travelled with his exgirlfriend through Italy and instead of being a nice honeymoon-like trip the relationship ended and as he told me later, the trip made him realise that with some people you simply can not spend 24hs straight!
Since then we married, travelled to India, Jordan, all around Europe, Southamerica and Central America and every trip is always fantastic!
I really agree with you leahmaria!
9 October 2010 5:43PM staroflife15 Report this comment
My partner and I are each other's best friend, and have travelled quite a lot together, most recently through India and Nepal. Before we start we remind each other of the time out rule. During our travels, if one of us feels a little sufficated or annoyed with the other, we can call "one hour timeout". That way we know that we are not annoyed with each other, and haven't fought, but the timeout is called just for a bit of "me time" before its actually needed. Neither of us can take offence at the calling of time out. We've only ever implemented it once, and it was great because during the whole hour we found we constantly wanted to point out attractions and tell the other things, but they weren't there. We were thrilled to catch up with each other at the end of the hour! It's good just to know it's there to prevent any arguments before they happen.
12 October 2010 2:41PM taminar Report this comment
"You just quit and go." Sounds lovely. Who's going to pay my mortgage while I'm gone? If we're hurt or get sick, who pays the bill? Our health insurance is through work, and if we're not working, we can't pay for individual insurance or doctor visits. Or plane tickets. Are there lots of one- or two-day jobs for homeless American travelers overseas? Maybe we could work our way around the world, kind of like those kids in the old TV series "Route 66." Is that how you do it? I'd really like to know how this works beyond a flippant comment of, "Just do it."
13 October 2010 6:45AM nelliepellie Report this comment
I totally agree with Leahmaria!! I met my boyfriend on a holiday and within two weeks we knew that were going to travel around the world together!! After two years of thinking were to go, what to take with us and most important.....save lots of money we quit our jobs and left our (rented) house. We travelled for 15 month over 20 countries and had a fantastic time! Of course there were times we had arguments but the same thing happens at home!:-) The only thing I can say is, GO and enjoy!!!
14 October 2010 12:25PM annaficek Report this comment
My boyfriend and I travelled for a few weeks together around Europe. It definately made us closer, even though we hadn't been together for very long. It made the relationship, and helped each of us so much. On out way to our hotel in Turkey, we were in a car accident and hospitalised for a week. None of the doctors spoke French or English and on top of the serious injuries we had, it was hard to be understood and to get through it. We helped each other out, and kept each other sane. He helped my recovery go along speedily and I believe I would have spent twice as long in hospital without him to talk to, to cry to and to laugh with. And even though it was such a horrible time for each of us, we laugh about it together now and try to see the silver lining. Your partner can turn out to be your life-saver and your helper. You never know how much you may need someone like that.
14 October 2010 10:25PM jennifertice Report this comment
Great article. I have been travelling with my partner for 13 months now, and I couldn't imagine anyone else better to travel with. I wouldn't recommend long term travel for a new relationship, but it is a great way to find out how compatible you will be in the long run. Here are some tips for couples thinking of taking the plunge: http://jennifertice.com/?p=692
18 October 2010 10:20PM mondialer Report this comment
Spent almost 3 years travelling with my partner of the time. We had highs and lows, but it's true to say we really got to know each other well and realised that life togther was not a good idea finally (although 2 years after getting home)!!
However I have to say the travelling I have done as a solo more recently meant that I met far more people and had a really great time. Travel as a couple can be a bit insular if you are not careful and I think you can miss out on new encounters that way.
Now married (to someone else) and really enjoy travelling with him.... Any excuse to travel ;-)
7 December 2010 7:57PM turtlejeff31 Report this comment
I met my girlfriend 9 years ago, but we started the relationship with a ten day trip, then a 3 month tour of the middle east. I just moved to Hanoi, Vietnam to be with her where she teaches English. I tell you if you can travel together the relationship is solid. How do we do it? I live in an RV and have a seasonal job. I am very frugal, and make my money go as far as possible. She picks up English teaching jobs around the world and travels in between. There are hard times, times when we are apart, but the times when we are together are amazing and worth all the hardships. If you find the right person, 24/7 travelling together can totally work. Just remember when there are bad times - take a break. Like *staroflife15* said, a timeout is a good idea. *taminar*, if you have a mortgage, maybe extended world travel isn't for you. Then again, I know a couple who sold their condo, quit their jobs, and travelled around the world for 7 months. They are now back home and stronger than ever!
7 December 2010 10:39PM marisse_redblossom Report this comment
When you don't have any kind of financial problem, there would be nothing to be disagreeing or fighting about, as traveling is only about enjoying, thus gives you much bonding and closeness <3 , unless you don't have much money. Others travel without much money, and that might cause tension at times as you think all the time how to make-do with the budget. But without any worries, it would all be nothing but fun.
8 December 2010 3:14AM rhondalerner Report this comment
Yes! My husband and I are on day 210 of a one year meander throughout Asia and SE Asia. I am with my best friend. Who else would you want to share this amazing experience with?
8 December 2010 3:00PM rockcriedout Report this comment
My husband and I had done a number of little trips - just a month or so - around our home country of Australia before we got married. For our honeymoon, we took a 4 month road trip around our great country. It was a blast. It was not without its trials but we both agree that we had a crash course in marriage (setting up a tent nearly every other day can indeed cause some frustrations!) and feel that much stronger for it. We loved spending so much time together. He is my best friend.
We are off on a 5 month trip late next year to Eastern Europe and SE Asia - neither of us have travelled overseas before so it should be quite challenging and exciting!
15 December 2010 4:59AM abalza Report this comment
In the countdown to start a journey with my boyfriend to South Americaa!!! REally exited and worried at the same time!!! :D Being an "intercultural" ( I do not know how to define us) couple, him German and me from Venezuela makes it already a bit particular because he cannot be the one reminding me home. Hopefully I will write soon that traveling as a couple is the best experience ever!
10 January 2011 7:26PM soultravelers3 Report this comment
We've been on a non-stop, open ended world tour as a couple ( with a child) for the last 5 years and it's been amazing and wonderful for our relationship!
If you love each other it IS easy and stupendous to be able to have the time together and enjoy the freedom!
I wrote 8 reasons why to do it as a family, but most of them apply to couples as well:
http://www.soultravelers3.com/2010/09/8-reasons-for-a-family-world-trip-international-vacations-holidays-abroad-longterm-travel-rtw.html
Go for it!
6 February 2011 4:25PM nishaj Report this comment
I have been travelling solo most of the time. Now I want to do overlanding in Africa or in east Europe spending min. of 6 months. But this time my husband wants to join me and says we can travel for a longer period than I have thought of. Though I love him, I am dreading the situation of having a constant company.
26 April 2011 1:03AM karencooper Report this comment
I am 7 & a half months into 1 year of travelling with my partner and it's the best thing I've ever done. Sold our flat, car and half the furniture plus saved for a long time. You only live once why work forever? And why not do it with the person you share your normal daily life with? As overlander says better than watching the telly.
We have our differences but you learn so much about one another. The best thing about doing it as a couple are the experiences and memories you share that you'll have forever.
29 May 2011 12:35AM goldiehawn Report this comment
My husband and I have travelled as a couple and previously with children for between 3-6 months every year for 25 years and I would not have it any other way. Someone to share the highs and lows, me keeping it real that we are not that seriously backpackers not to have our own bathroom, him with his witty banter and musical skills to entertain along the way and a shared experience that we can talk to each other about when friends eyes glaze over at yet another adventure we fight each other to relate!!!
3 April 2012 12:00PM desumbers Report this comment
My wife and I spent 3 ths driving through Europe by car. Buying a GPS was the best thing we did to overcome the problems of map reading and directions. Luckily we both enjoy similar things. Its the everyday things, such as having a Gelato, finding a great little Cafe, or having success navigating our way to a hotel in Krakow that are better when shared with your partner.
3 April 2012 4:54PM frugal_traveler Report this comment
Good to read some positive posts about travelling together with your loved one. But I remain skeptical until i find the right one :)
Having a travel partner for a day trip can be nice, but 24/7 for an extended period of time... still no thanks :)
For me so far, traveling solo still kicks ass.
4 April 2012 1:17AM dennisvos Report this comment
When already with a partner, traveling is the best way to discover if it's your perfect fit. Ending up smashing each others heads and disgusting the smell of your partners diarrhea over feelings of care and support? Just be happy you won't throw away half your life with him or her in the illusion you're perfect for each other, and be happy to discover in time you need to search for the one who actually is your life partner!
Having said that, being single on the road is still the way to go if your reason is to get in contact with the country, locals, problems, risks, and even having the intercultural fun-experience as a plus on top of it ;-)
4 April 2012 1:40AM sonjaschmidtmt Report this comment
My boyfriend and I spent 4.5 months traveling SE Asia last year with no problems. We blogged along the way, itsadventure30.blogspot.com, check it out! Had the best time ever, now I'm finishing up college and saving my pennies to head back over there as soon as we can. It's wonderful to share so many experiences with your love. I would recommend it if your partner and you are best friends but are able to do your own thing along the way too.