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Attractions
Hikinboot
Dubbed by detractors and admirers alike as the 'Paris of the Central Urgs', Hikinboot is an oasis of unbreathable air and inedible food. Bakpakhistan may be the 'forgotten Stan', but Hikinboot is a vital stopping-off point on any journey around the country - in fact it's the only stopping-off point, as the sprinkling of land mines, ageing nuclear reactors, viciously hungry guerrillas, and marauding groups of gun-wielding Soviet soldiers who've refused to come in from the cold conspire to make travel outside the capital an impossibility. Travel to and from Hikinboot's airport (1km/2mi from the central Hilton) will be the sum total of road travel you're likely to undertake.
The capital's central and most obvious landmark is the Statue of Stalin, which flanks the city's abattoir and rug factory on Plaza Five Year Plan. Uncle Joe appears to have survived the 20th century's vicissitudes simply because no one has told the lovable Bakpakhians of his passing. During your stay in Hikinboot it's wise to refrain from discussing history, religion, politics, customs, sexuality, travel, culture, eating habits and rug-making techniques - oh, and the weather's a dodgy topic because those leaden clouds hovering overhead day in, day out are made up of… well, lead.
Don't come to Hikinboot if you're looking for fine food, vintage wines, interesting museums, varied shopping, friendly people or cute animals - but do come if you're in urgent need of a carpet, motheaten or otherwise. Although the carpet vendors mean well, they can be persistent: the best response is short, sharp and swift. Once you've made your purchase, head for the carpet museum, where you can watch the rug weavers, many as young as five years old, at work; note that tissues and antihistamines are not provided.
Hikinboot's accommodation and eating-out options are clustered around Plaza Five Year Plan. Venturing into the surrounding backstreets isn't at all advisable, so if you want to get out of here in one or two pieces it's best to stick to this central area. The Hilton is just left of the abattoir; the Atomic Sheraton is west of the burned-out building (all that remains of Proletariat House, formerly the city's Buddhist temple, Friday mosque and Orthodox cathedral) next to the third carpet warehouse to the left of Rugrats Cost-Less Kilims. Hikinboot is famous for its yak cutlets, and Crazy Abdull's is the safest, if not the best, place to sample them. Vegetarians and barter-fiends are advised to bring a year's supply of Pot Noodles™ (barbeque sauce-flavoured noodles are especially popular).
Gagin Mawnkoont
An invigorating three days' walk from the capital, Gagin Mawnkoont is one of the few markets in the world better known for its gallery of scents and genetic mutations than its charming native handicrafts. In fact, since 1957 - when the farmland around Gagin Mawnkoont was the site of an inventive experiment in the since-discredited technique of fertilization with radioactive sludge - produce from the market has been noted less for its cheap and colourful diversity and more for its resemblance to the heads of soft-skulled giant infant rats.
Crazy Abduul's Abattoir
There is some speculation that Western Europe's most recent outbreak of foot and mouth disease was sent from between Crazy Abduul's own toes via national envoy (and half-brother) Snagult Ufqunt. Yak exports westward have since trebled, and the abattoir is planning expansions to its operation and tourist-viewing arenas. The sight of the crimson Abduul at work - with bare feet and blunt instruments - in the browning blood of his muddy abattoir, does occasionally take on the raw theatre of street performance at its very finest. Asked about the interests of vegetarians concerned with the ethical treatment of animals, Abduul said, 'We have only one vegetable in all Bakpakhistan, my half-brother, and he is the president. If vegetarians come here, we eat them, too.' It seems in Bakpakhistan, tofu is a four-letter word.
Abduul's wife Shoka conducts tours of the abattoir (US$50), including the animal-husbandry cage where Shoka and her basting brush get intimate with the she-yaks. Visitors also get to name a yak before Abduul moves in for the slow kill, and for an extra US$250 they can sponsor the yak and it will be spared. A rug and tea cosy made from a spring shearing of its hair are presented to the sponsor.
Disclaimer: Although we've tried to make the information on this web site as accurate as possible, we accept no responsibility for any loss, injury or inconvenience sustained by any person resulting from information published on this site. We encourage you to verify any critical information with the relevant authorities before you travel. This includes information on visa requirements, health and safety, customs, and transportation.
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